Keeping the Secret

Turns out it's not so easy keeping this surprise a secret. Every time I am with my mom, I feel awkward like she can read my mind and I wonder... Am I acting normal? Is this what I would normally say? Am I mentioning having kids or complaining about my stomach more than usual? Lately I've had the feeling like my stomach is crushed for space or bloated - and I don't know if that's the pregnancy or just me being bloated along with nervousness. Also, I can't tell if I'm actually nauseous from pregnancy or psyching myself into nauseousness from being nervous. For some reason we have been around each other more than usual (it must be the weekend), but I've had more opportunities to accidentally give something away, or just say something from the pressure. I'm holding out though.

The other day I went to pick up my prescription at the Walmart pharmacy for prenatal vitamins. Turns out they couldn't get the prescription any longer, so they faxed the doctor's office requesting a prescription for something similar for me and received no response. They said I might have better luck getting in contact with the doctor. I called and Luke was with me there waiting in line. All I told him was I had to pick up my medicine. (I really can't wait to tell Luke and see his reaction. Will he be excited? Will he understand? Will he talk about it with all of his friends, and will he watch out for tapping me in the stomach and helping me around the house?) Anyway, the doctor didn't pick up - so I asked if I should just get an over-the-counter in the meantime and also asked if they could contact me when something comes in. As I was giving them my phone number, Dad walked up. He was dropping off a prescription for Stacia. Had he been there moments earlier, all news would have been blown. Our plans for telling him Wednesday would have gone out the window. Wow! TIMING. So I left without getting my prenatals and had to go back today. I keep thinking - who am I going to run into at Walmart today?

Aldo had to drive Ruby to work today. He said they were talking about her kids and how they parent, etc. and the topic of birth came up. They traded horror stories and Aldo said, "Next time…" in words more or less. Ruby straight up asked if we were pregnant. He threw up his hands and said, "Well, I hope so, we've been trying for 4 years…" HE IS THE WORST AT KEEPING SECRETS. YOU CAN READ HIS FACE.

Speaking of reading faces, John came up to me at church on Sunday and said I was glowing and had been for the past couple of weeks. He asked me if I was pregnant. I walked away (I was sitting right next to mom! I'll be surprised if she didn't hear or has any hint by now.) and said, "What?! Glowing? You're crazy." He follows me toward the restroom and calls it out again. How in the world did he know? I didn't know last Sunday! It wasn't an actual possibility in my mind until I came home from school somewhere mid-week.

I'd like to write more but I'm not sure what to say. I'm eager for August 2015. All of this in-between stuff is antagonizing. I made my first OB/GYN appointment for December 23rd! Same doctor Luke had; she was amazing. And it's on a Tuesday so Aldo will be able to come with me. I wonder if she'll remember us. Second, I have to sign up for WIC again. I want to get a white board going with names. I want to shop til I drop for baby clothes. And have a belly already!! How different is this pregnancy going to be from the first? How different is this child going to be from Luke? I think of me and Maecy and how different we are - school, athletics, career paths, humor, etc. It's nuts. How different is this little one's personality going to be. And as I type this - I cross my fingers that this will also be an easy birth. I fear sometimes that Luke was so easy, the next one will be the "48 hours of labor" or something. And that Luke has been so easy as a kid, the next one will be the one that turns our hair gray. Last, I know that the first gets attention because they're the only child. And the second one is kind of breezier… but I want to capture every moment with Number 2. I want every one of my children to get one-on-one attention. I'll try my best. As I've said before, ever since I was little all I wanted to do was be a mother. I'm so happy I get to be a mother again! This house needs a baby in it.