Unless the Lord

Psalm 127

Unless the Lord builds a house,

the work of the builders is wasted.

Unless the Lord protects a city,

guarding it with sentries will do no good.

It is useless for you to work so hard

from early morning until late at night,

anxiously working for food to eat;

for God gives rest to his loved ones.

Children are a gift from the Lord;

they are a reward from him.

Children born to a young man

are like arrows in a warrior's hands.

How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them!

He will not be put to shame when he confronts his accusers at the city gates.

I haven't been able to sleep lately. I have a lot of things going through my head... mostly cracking numbers and saying "what if -this-" and "what if -that-". We're looking for a home. Like an actual downpayment, homeowner's insurance, pay taxes, maintenance-upkeeping, equity-type home. We thought about it before when Mom put her house up for sale and made those wild plans to move to Tennessee, but since we didn't have the lines of credit at the time we chose to rent until the possibility presented itself. Now, having rented for a year, the time has come. I'm filled with excitement and overwhelming alarm. Haha! But mostly excitement.

The home search has been fun. Our financial advisor came highly recommended from a trusted source, and he recommended our real estate agent who is seriously top dog in her field. And then we're surrounded by people that know what they're talking about in certain areas. 

Well, you know me... conservative with a capital C and Aldo is "cheap" according to his BFF. lo So the first house we looked at was well below our price range. (We got approved for a $280K loan! Isn't that ridiculous?! I'll give you some comparison... we rent right now for $685/mo + storage and utilities. A $280,000 home has a payment of over $1800/mo. That's more than double what we're paying now! That's more than one of Aldo's paychecks! One and one don't equal two in their world of math I guess.) The first house we looked at was listed at $146K. It looked like a small box and I didn't like it from the pictures. Lack of garage and lack of yard were a turn-off, but I thought you know what, maybe we should check it out. Maybe it just looks small. Maybe small is what we can take care of to start. My first impression was right in this case... it is a box that needs to be torn down. It's not worth fifty bucks. I think it's been abandoned (should be condemned) for years and just recently the seller painted some walls and put it on the market. Yikes! When we first walked in the floors were on a slant, the upstairs rooms Aldo could barely fit in because the ceilings were low, and we couldn't tell which room was the "master bedroom" because we wouldn't be able to fit our bedroom furniture altogether in any of the rooms. 

We looked at a range of houses in one day. So our next house was off of main street in a quiet little neighborhood. The owners had lived there 40 years. When we walked in it immediately reminded me of my Grandma because of the taste and narrowness of the hall. It was listed at $199K, but it was probably more in the $170's. There were so many rooms in the house, I felt like we don't have enough furniture to fit in it all. And the backyard was HUGE with a gated, above ground pool. The problems I had with it were the age of HVAC system and other things like that which would definitely need replaced in the near future, as well as the small bathrooms for oompa-loompas (we'd have to knock out a wall to fit comfortably in the bathroom), and the care for the HUGE backyard and maintenance of the pool. Also, I would just feel bad asking a sweet grandma for a lower price. I know... I know... it's business.

The final house of the day was off of my old street "Hickory" in what was the newer, rich part of town when I was growing up. The home was a 3 bedroom with a 4th non-conforming (without windows) bedroom and they were asking $209K. A bit high for us, but we wanted range. The house was alright, nothing red flagged. Mila liked the open kitchen. And plenty of parking. My issue was the backyard. It was another house with an above ground pool AND jacuzzi, but because of the extravagance of those the yard had been taken up. I want our kids to have space to run and play catch, play tag, practice soccer, whatever! We made the choice to keep looking.

From the beginning, my desire (and Aldo's too) has been to follow God's will. If it's His will for us to move, we'll move. If it's His will for us to stay, we'll stay. I know that God opens doors and He closes them. I know that the right time will come for a house. I just want it to be the right house. I put my needs and requests before Him (kind of like the red, 10-speed bike story)... a 4 bedroom or 3 bedroom with room to expand, an ample yard, in the school district we chose, at a price we could afford, and if at all possible before December so we didn't have to sign on for another 6 months or go month-to-month.

I thought we may have found that home THE NEXT DAY. The next morning after praying I woke up to find a home that had gone back on the market at $198K after a sell had fallen through. It was next door to the older home in that charming little neighborhood on the corner lot. IT WAS PERFECT! The layout made sense. The covered deck to uncovered deck was beautiful. The yard space was -no words-. And the storage space was ridiculous. It even had a tree fort with a homemade zip line in the backyard. When we looked at it, Luke's cousins were with us and you could just feel that it was a perfect family hangout. Yes, there were some small projects here and there like the main shower needed more tile, doors replaced, rooms repainted and more caulking in areas... and some larger things that weren't immediate like the driveway completely redone and a large tree removed from the backyard. But nothing seemed too big. Until the basement. There were cracks in the basement. I've researched this and not all cracks are bad; cracks can be a sign of settling which houses do that. Vertical cracks are common and can be solved with epoxy and are fine for another 50 years. The most serious cracks are horizontal. You're looking at building an entirely new foundation for between $30,000-40,000. These cracks, were unfortunately, bad. And I don't think they would go down thirty grand from what our initial offer would be (looking in the $130-lower $140's).

I wasn't devastated, but I was bummed. Houses in the area aren't really coming up on the market, and when they do, they aren't up for long. I cracked numbers again and again and again. Our "sweet spot" is the $180's. We can afford the insurance, the lawn mower, the internet, even put Luke in sports and save money in the $180's. I could choose to go back to work another day or stay home still. We could pay off the car or not pay off the car. There's wiggle room. There are choices. If we want to get a house this year, our final option was one up-and-coming home in a new neighborhood that we'd be able to actually design a little bit for $235K. With that we'd have to pay off the car, Aldo get a raise, and me pick up more hours (and not eat... j/k) to get by. I was actually pumping myself up... you know we could do it. We could get a new house. But then, I thought "what if". What if something happened? What if Aldo wanted to go back to school? What if he lost his job? What if he had to take a pay cut? What if his hours changed... could I change my hours so easily? I didn't like the feeling of "STUCK". We would be stuck in whatever situation to barely make it. I want to enjoy my home. Not despise it. So new home was a no.

I don't know what made us look back at it, but I'm glad we didn't cross it off of our radar completely. 

Before I go into further detail, I want to say this: There's pros and cons to a pool. 

PRO #1 - Easy family time and entertaining. Welcoming friends and yahoos from all around. Bonus: jacuzzi would surely entice our friends to come visit and stay a while.

PRO #2 - They don't affect the value of the home (if above ground) either way, good or bad. 

PRO #3 - You can disassemble. You can resell (and get a good amount depending on age and care).

CON #1 - Lack of yard.

CON #2 - Another thing to maintain. And cost comes with that also.

CON #3 - Liability. It will increase insurance by about $50 because it is a safety issue.

We looked back again at the one with the pool and jacuzzi and small yard... the one where Mila felt comfortable in the kitchen... the one that had a recently updated HVAC and water heater... the one that seemed out of our "sweet spot". We looked again at the comps; they were in the $180's. Is the only thing keeping us from reconsidering this house the pool and lack of yard? Earlier, when I was researching pools and maintenance of them I found that it only costs about $200-250 a year per the national average. And since water bills should be that high anyway, a double in water bill still wouldn't be high. Since this house is in our "sweet spot", we could afford it with the pool and live comfortably. Luke could still do sports. There is still wiggle room and space to get out. If we had to, we could sell the pool! I thought about it and I'm thinking logically (I think) -

We could buy the house. For the first year, keep the pool and jacuzzi and get experience and enjoy it. We could have pool parties for birthdays. We could still get a small dog if we want (a $50/mo expenditure) and even it would have ample space to run in the backyard. We could get a handle on mowing that amount of space. The kids could use the front yard if necessary. And, if after playing with it a little we decided to sell the pool and jacuzzi; we could do it. And build a better deck. And have a larger yard. There is still movement. There are still possibilities. We can do it! So, next week we are going to look at it with Aldo's dad and possibly put in an offer. That is the plan.

Here is the final point I want to make and it goes back to the beginning (HAHA, that's ironic. "Alpha and Omega... Beginning and End... #pastorpuns) - 

Unless the Lord. 

Unless the Lord makes it happen, we're not moving into that house. Unless the Lord sends peace of mind by His Holy Spirit, we're not buying. We won't budge. The Lord has surrounded us with multiple advisors and examples; we're going to listen to that sound counsel. We're going to succeed in our home search but it's only with the Lord's direction. And I know, without a doubt, He loves me. So what if he threw in a pool and jacuzzi because he knew that the first year or so we wouldn't need the yard? What if he threw in a bonus (a well, taken care of bonus that would give us money back in the future)? I don't know. The future is full of possibilities, isn't it?

P.S.
I had a dream with House #4 (bad foundation house). God asked me if I was ready for the responsibility of owning a home. I weakly said "Yes, I think so." And He smiled and showed me a vision of a father asking their child if he or she was ready for the responsibility of taking care of a dog. And of course, the kid would say yes. And then after a week of taking care of the dog, they'd slowly get away from it. But mom and dad would make sure the dog got taken out for walks or to go to the restroom, went to the vet, and made sure it had plenty of food. The dog was taken care of. In that, God was showing me that He's my Father. Yes, he'd give me the responsibility of homeownership, but He'd still be there to provide like a parent. He's the BEST.

hCG

I guess this post will just be fact-driven. I'm still a little unsure about it and how much to disclose and to who. You know when something bad happens and you're thrust into a sort of twilight zone, and everything around you is moving but you are there  stuck in time thinking this isn't really happening...? It's been like that.
So Sunday, August 27th started off like any other day. The boys spent the night with us to hang out with Luke, so they came to church with us in the morning. After church we went to pick up some birthday presents for Mila from Aunt Dolores'. Then I was headed home, but Noah said his stomach didn't feel well. I changed my plans to get the kids some food, then go to the apartment, and then drop them off. But then Vero started texting me about a Big Brother program and was worried I was going to be late bringing the boys back, so I changed my plan again. After picking up the food, which took forever... Noah was really complaining about his stomach. I was concerned so I rushed him home. When we got there he was really ... milking it??... So much so that his mom and Aldo's mom thought he might have gave himself a hernia and/or ripped something while swinging at church. (Side note: the last time they came to our church we had the inflatable slide incident and Noah got hurt. Why do this kids always get hurt? And why does it have to be at church?!) I felt miserable. They talked about taking him to the emergency room. So I called Aldo as I was headed back to the apartment to get their stuff and return it. When I got back, everything was fine like nothing happened. It was weird. But in the end, I had less to worry about, right...

When I finally got home, I was exhausted. I just sat on the gray chair and looked at my phone.
I had been texting a friend about breastfeeding when I had the urge to use the restroom. That's when everything started. Ask-a-Nurse told me to go to the emergency room immediately, but not to drive (even though I'm 5 minutes away... and the only thing that kept me from going on my own was that I'd have two kids in the car with me.) The nurses were afraid I would pass out. Thirty minutes later Aldo was taking me to the hospital and the kids were with the Gutz.

Hospital Worsts:
- The wait. Not the wait to get a room. The wait for the results. First there was a pee test to see if I really was pregnant. Then a blood test for hCG levels. Then a sonogram, which was too early to tell anything but we still waited for it. The pee test was positive. The blood test wouldn't give us results for a day so we were told to go home. Final release statement: see your OB within 2 days.
- The silence. The entire time Aldo didn't talk to me. He kept busy by being on his phone. I know he was worried and I was too and trying to understand what factors there were, etc. but the silence sucked.
- The suddenness. It's so sudden that you don't think about how you didn't shave your legs that day. Or shower. Gross. And of course, they have to look in those personal places... it was horrible! It was worse than the scene from that JLo movie where she's getting inseminated and all she can think of is her unpainted toenails. I guarantee my toenails were worse.

I didn't think of it until I had to in hindsight, that the previous night I was having increasingly painful cramps. The kind that made me rock back and forth to feel better. I had been having cramps here and there. I thought it was my uterus changing and sac forming and hips spreading. It also occurred to me that I had stronger morning sickness before, but the days leading up to this point, it was getting less frequent, less intense.

Tuesday we saw my OB. She reassured us that it could be anything. A bleeding problem can be taken care of by taking a pill. So the days leading up to this were tiring and anxious and sad. This visit was hopeful and restorative.

The next day I got my results at work. Aside from the rudeness of whoever called me, my hCG levels had dropped from a 140-something to 78.

I had a miscarriage.

The scientific, technical term for it is "chemical pregnancy", but I was told not to use that term by my dad. Do I feel like I lost something/someone? To me, it felt like I lost the hope of someone and hope of a surprising, yet happy change. To me, it felt like others were trying to downplay it because "nothing formed" and to make me feel better about losing "nothing". Something formed. I felt it exit my body. It might have been the start of a sac or whatever, but my body said it was pregnant. It began the work. And shortly after, it stopped. That's the facts. Anything above a 25 on an hCG test means you're pregnant. And that hCG level doubles at least ever two days.

It all came down to that hCG level.

I had a dream that week and it's really the only thing that made me feel better in those first couple of days when we were still unsure about things. I had a dream that a voice told me it was a girl. And what brought me comfort was knowing that one way or another I would see my girl. Maybe it's just a nice thought or maybe it's absolutely true. Now that it's been weeks I go back and it's like the entire time didn't happen. Miscarriages aren't that frequent. I don't have one. I was never pregnant. I won't have a "rainbow baby".  

STAT  - There is only a 30% chance of you getting pregnant each menstrual cycle.
STAT - Most doctors consider pregnancy to start at "implantation" rather than "fertilization".
STAT - 31% of pregnancies end in miscarriage after implantation. (That's one in three if you can do simple math.) But a lot of these ladies don't even know it because they didn't know they missed a period. With that said, about 15-20% of women with a confirmed pregnancy will have a miscarriage.
STAT - By the time you have passed the day you were supposed to start your period, implantation has already occurred.
STAT - 80% of miscarriages occur before 12 weeks (the first trimester). After 20 weeks a loss is termed a "stillbirth".
STAT - Half of all miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities. The earlier the miscarriage, the more likely this is the cause.
(All of these stats were taken from https://www.verywell.com and http://www.pregnancyloss.info/. Of course these don't take into consideration age and previous miscarriages, etc.)

FACT - I can guarantee the first day of my last period. It was July 10th. I was supposed to start my period while we were on our California trip. That means implantation had occurred. (Shoot. Now I wish I didn't look up those bummer stats.)
FACT - Implantation occurs about 9 days after ovulation. I kept record of everything. My cycle is about 35 days long, so ovulation is between Day 19 and Day 21. *wink wink* Our anniversary happened in that ovulation window. Implantation probably occurred on August 7th. I'm actually fairly certain...
FACT - Going by the first day of my last period (which you can't argue), I would have been 5 weeks and 6 days along on August 27th. I miscarried just before 6 weeks.