Frustrating Guess Work

38 Weeks : RE-DO

I had to re-do this post because it was extremely negative, even for me... and I just couldn't sit right with that. I was frustrated from multiple things - a lot not going my way... but things we can't control either. So it's with a lighter heart, that I edited the post and got the facts out there from what was previously written.

So on Thursday when I went in for my 37 week (and 4 day...) ultrasound, I was very excited. I was excited to see her face and movement. And I was excited to hear how well we were doing... but I didn't get the news we were exactly hoping for... I found out that she is measuring 8lb 11oz. Equivalent to 3950 grams or the size of a baby who is 38 weeks and 6 days. She’s a big baby. If she gains two more ounces (or by 4000g) she’ll be considered having macrosomia. We’ll be put on the list for a c-section.
How fun is that? Pictures of the doc cutting me open... and baby having foot pricks and constantly being monitored. I had a very emotional day and kept crying in the shower. I thought for sure things would turn around. Well, then of course, Daniel Tiger’s song flipped on in my head (Mila’s been watching it every time I go in for an NST; the library and Hoopla are a real life-saver...) - “when something seems bad, turn it around, and find something good.” Okay, okay... a c-section isn’t the end of the world. It’s safer for a big-shouldered baby. I wouldn’t tear. Wouldn’t get any more hemorrhoids or pop one completely out. Wouldn’t poop on the doctor. People have done this before and survived. Aldo’s mom has done this three times! I’ll be just fine.
After that thought, I had another like God spoke to me and said “three days”. And you know what was in three days??? Sunday. Also, David’s birthday. I thought how perfect! I did a lot of stuff to help it along - Bounced on the exercise ball, did the nasty, went for a walk at the park (kind of, trying to walk and teach the dog how to “heel” wasn’t the best idea), walked through Target, cleaned the house A LOT (scrubbed the bathroom top to bottom), and THAT is when I finally was having consistent, strong contractions. The whole shebang. Stomach tightening, can’t walk much in the middle, radiating back pain. It was marvelous! I was so excited. I even felt a pop like the baby’s head was locking into place. Secretly I was hoping for my water to break in the middle of the night. And I prayed for it to be obvious, like a gush or wake up in a puddle. I would even take contractions that make me roll over in pain!!!

Lately I’ve been having a trickling after I pee. And this night was no different. I had to keep getting up, probably every hour to go to the restroom and then it would be followed by a trickle and later a contraction and then I would fall asleep again. In the morning I wondered if my water did break but the baby’s head (being locked into place) might be making it a trickle. It’s all up in the air! There’s no definite answer or sign to look for, except to have it tested when you go into the doctor.

1. Waters will trickle with movement from you or the baby or with contractions.
2. Should be odorless. 
3. Should be clear.
4. Could be hind-water leak and then get resealed.
5. Shouldn’t be able to stop it.

** NOTE: I was right. If you can stop it, then your water has not broken. It is also a very painful test to have it checked. The doctor doesn't use lube and sticks a rubber-band like thing inside you (and I think it reacts to chemicals and changes color). I was negative for leaking.

Number 5 is what really made me call it as a false alarm. So then, skip forward. I kind of felt again that the Lord had said something about 7 o’clock. So come 7:00 am I’m anticipating my water suddenly breaking. Nada. Contractions actually stopped at 7am. Skip forward at church. Everyone is asking me - Did you go to the hospital? We heard you went to the hospital. Isn’t your baby here yet? When are you due? (I only had one contraction during worship from swaying.) I had people come up afterward at the taco dinner and say - in the name of Jesus baby has to come today. It was crazy!
I had a lot of back pain on the car ride home and I was like, maybe if I clean again... but by the time we were home I was exhausted. I decided that if God wants this baby to come, she’ll come and nothing I will do or don't do will change a thing. Maybe my water will burst in the middle of my nap. Still no. Afterward, the kids were going at it, so I gave up and decided to go back to the ball. Mom called and asked about Game Night for David’s birthday. Since Aldo had a last-minute diaper party, I was up to going. Right after I got off the phone with her, I had to pee. And I felt something drop out of me into the toilet (like a small glop) and when I wiped there was a strip of white stuff on the toilet paper. Was this my mucus plug?!

1. Can be clear, white, green, yellow, pink or brown.
2. Doesn’t always come out at once.
3. Can be 4-5cm in length.
4. A sign that your cervix is “ripening”, typically between 37-42 weeks.
5. Could be weeks, days or hours until labor starts. More likely hours if this isn’t your first birth.

** NOTE: If you are dilated or "thin" at all, then you have probably lost your mucus plug. However, even though the books and internet make such a big deal about it, the doctors don't. (I've also looked at the pictures and it's more of a thin, sticky-looking snot... or imagine an egg white. Not cottage cheese white.) The two big things to watch out for are: CONTRACTIONS at 5-1-1 (5 minutes apart, each lasting 1 minute long, for 1 hour) and YOUR WATER BREAKING. The doc also later tested my cervix and it had "thinned" but was not down, and I wasn't dilated much, if at all.

So now Aldo, Mom and I are on high alert for contractions, etc. during Game Night. By 7pm nothing has happened. By 8pm nothing has happened. I go home and by the time my kids are out in bed, nothing has happened. It’s 11:15pm and nothing has happened. Clearly no baby tonight. I’m questioning whether or not I lost my mucus plug now. Am I just a gross person and that was discharge of some sort, because in pregnancy there’s all sorts of things no one talks about and you end up finding about it later when it happens to you. If it was a mucus plug, my body isn’t doing what it’s supposed to. The only thing I’ve felt strongly since are baby hiccups.

The biggest frustrations are hoping, waiting, and guessing. All I can recommend is to hold in there. Your little one will be in your arms shortly. It's okay to be frustrated, but don't get mad at yourself or others, and try not to take it out on the people you love. Continue to hope and pray. Even if things aren't turning out like you want them to.

Hurricane Season

34 Weeks

I originally named this post “Hurricane Season” because of the phrase... “When it rains, it pours...” and I felt like the phrase just didn’t cover half of what we’ve gone through lately; it’s more like a hurricane for us. Ironically, according to the National Hurricane Center, hurricane season this year (in the Atlantic) runs from June 1st - November 30th. Let’s pray that that’s not how it’s going to be from here on out. Let the storm stop in September!! I was thinking about it the other day and before I was asking, “God, what is going on???” It finally occurred to me that He knows exactly what's going on and maybe he’s got a plan and that all of this is a set up. I can’t come to any other conclusion.

So in case you missed it here’s a quick look at the past three months...

• June 5: Luke breaks feet (leads to re-breaking foot on July 31st)
• July 5: I don’t pass my first glucola test (leads to a 3 hour test, finding out I have gestational diabetes, pricking finger and keeping track of blood sugar readings 4x a day, starting diet of low carbs and high protein which in turn leads to constipation {wha.. wha...}, have to start Metformin which causes nausea, and as of late started insulin... to be continued I guess...)
• July 20: We bring home Bandit - a very overwhelmed feeling of Is this really the right time?
• July 26-29: Aldo goes to conference to learn about selling life insurance - another overwhelming feeling considering I won’t be working myself and he wants to change jobs
• August 11: Aldo is rear-ended (leads to Blazer being totaled and multiple doctor and chiropractic appointments, and now shopping for a new vehicle)
• August 21: David passed away (funeral yesterday and keeping mom company and out of depression)

I don’t think anyone else could handle it. Did I mention my birthday is coming up? I’m turning 30. I think I could use some good news now. And we haven’t celebrated our anniversary yet. :( That was a month ago. And we have the gift cards too, just sitting in my purse. Ugh... #whenlifehappens

- - - - - -

Well, I was sad the other day thinking on the book I had for my pregnancy with Luke up to his first birthday. And then Mila’s book (which hasn’t been printed yet. And now this one. I’m sorry if any of my kids ever feel left out or like you got the short stick. I love you all so so so much and I just wanted the experiences written out and perfect. None of them are the same. I learn as I go... just like regular people.
For example, I had no idea what to expect with Luke. I had so many newbie mom questions. I went to the classes for birthing and bringing a baby home. I learned a lot. With Mila, I had the experience of breastfeeding and baby blues, and maybe exhaustion... because it’s easy when you can put all your concentration and energy in pregnancy and raising a newborn as a new mom whereas when you already have one child, attention goes there as well. You feel like you missed some of the big milestones of pregnancy with the second. But you definitely try. And the third, I feel so bad I haven’t kept track of ANY milestones. It’s been more of keeping track of what symptoms are hitting me this week...? What's up with this bruising? It's vericose veins that won’t go away. Am I going to die in the middle of the night from a blood clot in my leg? No, it's just regular ol' leg cramps. Flex your foot and point or get up and walk; it will go away. Am I having Braxton Hicks? Is it too early? Braxton Hicks are with portions of your belly getting hard and sometimes associated cramping or pain. Sometimes you feel them, sometimes you don't. What's "full term"? 39 Weeks. Do I have to count the baby's kicks/movements? Not with how active she is. And remember, toward the end of pregnancy there is less room in there, so movement might appear to slow down. (I apologize for being graphic ahead of time.) Is discharge normal? Yes, depending on color. Hemorrhoids??? Yes. Sorry you're strained. When does the “bloody show” actually show? Closer to delivery... like days before. So BE READY!!
Funny how you have new questions with each subsequent pregnancy. AND I completely forgot how to take care of a newborn. AND... now we have a dog (more precisely “an energetic puppy”) that steals blankets, toys, and even food off your plate, which I’ll be bringing my newborn home to. Whew. It’s a lot to think about.

They're trying to starve me, I'm sure of it... & Other Matters

28 Weeks, 2 Days (Entered into the 3rd Trimester)

So, whatever happened before camp, it seems like we went right back there after camp. It's been non-stop in this house and I'll try to catch up as much as I can.

For some reason Aldo decided to host 4th of July at our house. He invited the church, the family, and the neighborhood. After catching up on rest from camp, I immediately went to work on getting the house ready. One day, I cleaned out the garage and basement (because I figured that's where people would hang out since it would be hot and Aldo would be working the grill), only to realize... I did absolutely nothing to help out the house, which people would also walk through to use the restroom or cool down. The next day, which was the day before the 4th, I worked on the bedrooms, ran a load of dishes and finally a load of laundry. It was pristine! But of course, again, I missed the kitchen, bathrooms and floors... all much needed places to clean if we want to host anything ever. So then, I got up early on the 4th and did the rest of it while Aldo used the weed wacker. We went over time by a little bit, but it actually ended up working out just fine; EVERYONE was running on CPT.
After picking up Aldo's dad, we went to the fireworks stand and got a pretty good deal. Noted for next year. Got back, fired up the grill, and the people showed up gradually.
From cleaning, taking the kids to the parade (Also noted: not fantastic, but lots of candy collected), and going around entertaining everyone... I was exhausted.

Independence Day 2018

So then I tried to catch up on rest again. But then on Saturday, it was Home Depot Day. The kids love it and it gets them off of electronics and out of the house. So I went and did that... and then went to the Home Store and bought organization bins for the kids' rooms... and went through all their toys (that took two days alone).

Nephews <3 Mateo & Joshua

Home Depot Day!

(They made a fishing game and I learned about "Portrait Mode".)

The next week, we had Luke's follow-up appointment for x-rays on his feet. Originally we were told he would have to wear his cast for 8-10 weeks. But we were both surprised to find out that he was getting his cast off that day! And the rest of the month would be spent transitioning from the boots into tennis shoes in the house, and then tennis shoes outside the house, and then to regular play. Our final appointment for his feet!!!

THE SUMMER OF THE CAST IS OVER!!!

Not the last appointment forever though. After getting back from camp, I had that weird glucola testing done that happens with every pregnancy. The next day, the office called back and said I didn't pass my test. At first, I was surprised. And then I read a ton of information online on what it means if you have gestational diabetes and freaked myself out. (The only thing that seemed to calm me down was a blog I found about a lady who said it was the best thing that could've happened for her health and the health of her baby. That it went away right after birth. Her child was fine. Things were regulated because of the early detection. And she had it again with her second pregnancy and was already in the habit of eating right, so it was easy to do.) I had to schedule an appointment for a 3-hour test for the following week. Fasting again. Hear the excitement? <sarcasm>
Had a bunch of people encouraging me and praying for me. Went in feeling pretty good. Glad I took the books and downloaded a movie on my phone. During the first hour I read a book and toward the end started feeling nauseous so I had to stop. The next two hours, I just watched a movie because it felt like my eyes were going cross-eyed and all I wanted to do was sleep. But I was stuck in the uncomfortable chairs of the waiting room.

The following day, Aldo had his yearly health screening with his work. Just another medical thing I had to attend. (Apparently his cholesterol is off.)

That weekend I worked at the library. Thank goodness I was busy doing displays and research so the time went by quickly.

Also during the weekend was the church's 50th Anniversary. Wonderful words from the speakers. Challenging too. I'm glad they provided lunch on Sunday because it felt like a healthy meal and as of late all I've been eating, it seems, is carbs from noodles and potatoes. After that we celebrated with Asher for his birthday. He had a messy party, which unfortunately Luke couldn't participate in wholly (specifically he CAN NOT be on trampolines, bounce houses, slip n slides, etc.), but he sure made the best of it. And Mila just doesn't like being dirty. While we were there, the kids loved on Asher's golden retriever puppy. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to bring it up while Aldo was holding the puppy in his arms... but I asked what we were going to do for Mila's birthday, which is coming up in August. I've been thinking along the lines of a dance party with ballet-type decor but also fun stuff for the boys too OR a Paw Patrol party or adopt-a-pet party like what Ember had years ago. Aldo blurted out, why not get a dog? ... <pause>
You can imagine what I was thinking. We're having a baby. In 2-3 months. Seriously??? And usually he's the one that holds back and I'm the one that pushes for the big thing.
Things went kind of quick. For the past three days, I haven't been able to sleep through the night because of anxiety from thinking about a puppy - Are we going to have one? Can we afford it? Is it the right time? Am I ready? What do we need to do to prep? What should we call it? The next day, Aldo talked with the breeders, sent an offer, and it was accepted. We are in line to have a golden retriever puppy, brother to the Gutz puppy, by THIS FRIDAY! ... <pause>

It's starting to look like a little sunshine in our week.

Back to medical... since I didn't get a call the next day from the Women's Clinic about the 3-hour testing like I did the first time, I figured everything was alright. Because they get back pretty quick with the unwanted results, and if they're good that's when it takes 2-3 business days. Today I found out that I did not pass.
> I have diet guidelines to follow.
> I have a nurse appointment where I learn about gestational diabetes and how to use a finger pricking device and monitor my sugars.
> I have a dietitian appointment next week.
I was on the phone for most of the afternoon talking to scheduling and insurance providers, seeing what's required and what's covered, filling out documents, and seeing how much things will cost.

I AM EXHAUSTED.
I've kind of had enough medical issues for a while. (That's my feelings right now.)
After a good talk with a friend, I know I can get through it... many people have... and I know God has given me the strength and provision; He's made a way EVERY TIME... I don't need to worry.
Sincerely, I think my brain is just fried for the day.
No more thinking please.

The next few days will be busy and informational. With a little puppy-breath sweetness thrown in. Then next week (why did I do this to myself???), the kids have VBS at Jerad's church. And near the end, Aldo is going out of town to hear about selling insurance. I'm not looking forward to that Thursday...

• Husband leaves early in the morning. 
• Luke goes to VBS.
• I lock up the puppy (*tentative) and leave for my next appointment with Dr. Holmes, since seeing the nurse and dietician.
• I go back home to let out puppy*.
• Jerad picks up kids, I go to work from 2-8pm. Who takes care of puppy?*

Not to mention, I have to run Children's Church all by myself that Sunday. <sigh>
I may be taking naps throughout the following days just to prepare myself for what's coming.
And seriously, what IS coming????

When All You Can Do Is Laugh...

So it's been an eventful two weeks. This is how it went down...
It started with our big camp meeting that we have every year. During the prayer, when the leaders spoke against opposition, I couldn't help but feel a little weird. This year has been different for us, especially financially. We've donated more than we have ever before, more so that even with the past years put together this year's donation was more than that figure quadrupled. On the way home, the only "opposition" I could think of was when we tried to find babysitters for the kids. So I talked about it with Aldo. He calmed my weirdness over the situation referring to the story of friends holding up Moses' arms during the battle against the Amalekites. In a way we were stepping in to hold up the arms (financial burden) during a time when our friends experienced job loss. That settled things.

Not even a day later, the opposition came. If you're one to look at it that way, I guess. We were in a meeting at the church and were just about ready to go when Luke climbed up the welcome booth for some unknown reason because he's usually not a "climber" (a booth that was on wheels to be thrown in the trash) and it fell over on top of him. Thankfully he was thrown as it fell down so that it only fell on his feet. Thankfully it bounced so that he could remove his feet and didn't get stuck underneath. Thankfully, Mila had moved closer to me seconds before to say she was ready to go home. And thankfully, Aldo made it to the meeting because he hadn't been feeling well that morning and took off work (otherwise he would have been a closer and wouldn't have been at the meeting). It took only seconds. But it felt like I stood there for 10 minutes in shock. I honestly cannot tell you what I did in between the time I saw Luke's face after the impact and getting Mila in the car. I remember the breaking of glass and initially thinking Luke was crying because he broke something that belonged to the church, not because he had hurt his feet. The face he made is forever ingrained in my head. It breaks my heart that I didn't react more quickly. Aldo, on the other hand, went into calm, yet fast, parent mode and asked the all the right questions. We made the decision to take Luke to the ER. I'm sure that Aldo was worried, he just never let it on. Mila came with us; it was already late and she was worried about Luke. She said, "Luke's crying so Mila's crying," and talking about getting Luke a band-aid.

I hate going to the ER. It seems like if you are gushing blood and guts coming out (sorry for the graphic imagery), they just take their sweet time. But I am thankful for doctors and nurses and everyone that is working hard to get you in and out. On the way there, all we could do was tell Luke to breathe through the pain. We waited for a while in the waiting room, then we went to triage, where they decide the urgency of your care. Then we went to his room and waited some more. In between all of that, I saw that Luke was tearing up and asked if he would like me to hold onto his glasses. So I was put in charge. By the time we made it to his room and Luke went to the restroom, the glasses had disappeared. No one has found them since. One minute I had them hanging on my shirt. I did not touch them. And the next minute they were gone. Aldo has no words for it either. Probably because we just picked up our new glasses two days before. And probably because that night we had found the camp flashdrive that I had "lost" in my computer bag. Pregnancy brain... it's a real thing. So while waiting, I was also mad at myself for losing Luke's brand new glasses. Let's just pile on the bills, shall we?

They took x-rays and ended up putting Luke in ace bandages on both feet and a splint on the left foot, which was tender, already bruising, and swollen. They also gave us crutches and told us we could follow up sometime in the next week with our doctor. It was about 5 o'clock in the morning when we were discharged. Aldo went to go get the car while we waited in the waiting room. Mila had fallen asleep finally after going between laps, coloring, and eating everyone's hospital snacks. A minute later I got a call - we had a flat tire. Aldo said to never pray for opposition ever again. I didn't pray for it! All I said was I felt weird!!! As Aldo was changing out the tire as the sun came up, I was in the waiting room hoping someone would turn in Luke's glasses before we left the building. :( It never happened though. We made it home at 6:00 am and were exhausted. I called in to work. It was supposed to be my first Wednesday going in early... but there was no way I'd be able to function on an hour of sleep.

On the way home, Luke said, "Mom, I'm lucky. It could've been worse. The booth could have fallen on my legs!"
Me: "Or on your body and broken your ribs!"
Luke: "Or on Mila!"
Me: "Yeah, bud"
Luke: "Mom, I think God was watching out for me."
Me: "Luke... I think he sent angels around you!!!"
He's so sweet. I am proud of the young man he is becoming...

But that's not all!

Wednesday morning we were woken by a phone call. The ER told us that they were looking over the x-rays again and were pretty sure Luke had fractured his foot, so we should get a follow up right away with a pediatric orthopedic specialist. (Note: Something of concern for Luke's age are the growth plates.) That day we went in to the specialist -- awesome, awesome doctors and nurses -- and found out that Luke's foot was broken in two places... the right foot. Seriously? Luke had been walking around on a broken foot?! It took them less than 15 minutes to put a cast on Luke's broken, right foot with a walking shoe and a boot on the other foot. The other foot was too swollen to see fractures or breaks at this point, but better to err on the side of caution. We made an appointment for a week later to get x-rays again and look at the left foot. Then, we proceeded to Walmart where we had the tire fixed.

Two Broken Bones in the Right Foot

Our Trooper (& First in Our Family to Break Something)

I must also mention, prior to all of this I had asked Luke what he wanted to do for his 8th birthday and his one request was a Skating Party. As it turns out, I never got any contact information for his best friend from school, who I really wanted to be there. And both of Luke's cousins are out of town for the entire summer. We agreed that it wasn't worth the money to have the party without the people he would want to be there, and especially because he can't skate. We made plans to take him to the Omaha Zoo with some of our best friends, who would definitely make his birthday special. After the entire foot debacle, we had to tell Luke there would be no Skating Party. He was devastated. (He didn't know about the Omaha Zoo surprise coming up that weekend.) He said, "I guess I'll have a Dinosaur Party". I found this really cool cast design that makes it look like scales and a dinosaur/dragon foot. When I showed him, I said, "Luke, do you want to be a real hybrid?" His eyes LIT up. (We tease, but not really, that the kids are hybrids because they are half Mexican and half American. They think it's cool that they have the best of both worlds. Man, how the world has changed...) So back to Walmart - I let him walk through the isles and show me what toys he liked. Indoraptor (aka Utahraptor). LEGO Pachycephalosaur set (the one that looks like it has a skullet and rams into things). Anything from Jurassic World. Which is ok since he would actually play with it. Luke and Mila have been building a Jurassic Park out of LEGO men, plastic dinosaurs, stuffed animals and babies, and just about anything else they can get their hands on. Their summer project. Daddy said he couldn't get anything that night, but maybe he would get something on Friday (hinting at a zoo-type something from our day trip).

The zoo was so much fun! The car ride was long, and a little uncomfortable. Luke didn't try to guess where we were going or question much at all - even when he saw the sign for Omaha! It wasn't until he saw the desert dome that he put two and two together. And we chose the perfect company to come with us. The kids were all excitement. So much so that we had to continually tell Luke to take it easy. Although the weather seemed like it might get unbearably hot, we chose to see everything outside early in the day. A good choice. And everything inside during the afternoon. Mila wasn't scared of the skylift at all. She said, "We're flying!" and pointed out the rhinos, the big birds (ostriches), and the lions. We did get Luke a wheelchair, but for that first part he had to walk. And he didn't care. Toward the end, he was offering ME the wheelchair. My favorite parts had to be the butterflies (that Natalie is scared of and Mila loved), the aquarium that you walk through (we saw divers go in with the sharks!), and the lied jungle (with free-flying bats that Natalie is also afraid of). We had it easssssy this year - only a single bat sleeping in the long tunnel! Luke told me today that all he can think about is the monkey that was picking his behind. I mean, he was digging! At several angles!! :P Yuck! Oh, and there was the "escape ape", the orangutan that started to unscrew his glass enclosure. While the husbands went to get the cars, the wives and the kids checked out the after-hours family festival. They had vendors everywhere. When we asked what was going on, all they said was that they come twice a year and everything is free, so go get something. We took the bubbles ("that help with asthma"), went to the photobooth, made some sensory bags, grabbed some cotton candy and free Dip N Dots too!! That's when we found out that it was for special needs kids. !!!! Good thing the husbands called for us to pack up because we would have done balloons and face painting too! Instead we went down the walk of shame. Haha! The misadventures of us!

Our Day Trip to the Omaha Zoo

(I didn't get many pictures because we were travelling with a professional photographer, who blocked all my shots... but that's alright... 

I expect to see some good ones posted.)

You would think after that, we'd go back to something "normal".

Well, it's not so much family-related, but this week has been crazy at work too. There's construction going on outside. The road in front of the library will have improvements later on, and to prepare for that they have to move the water line, which is right at the entrance of our parking lot. The first day coming in this week, no one was here to let me in. I had to chance my key code and hope that no cops showed up. The second day, there was a huge hole in the entrance and I wasn't expecting that until the following week, so I drove around thinking we might be closed if no one called me back. We had to park on the street. It was also the day of a bus trip. The hole got filled in right before that showed up. And then the guys cut into our phone and internet line. Nice. It's been a wild week at work.

So then, there's today. Today we went back to the pediatric orthopedic specialist to see how Luke's left foot is (the one in the boot). The Dr. still couldn't see any brakes or fractures on the x-rays, but was certain that something was broken because of the amount of swelling, discoloration and tenderness in certain areas. We go back in 3 weeks. For the time being, Luke has to wear his boot most of the time. The exceptions are at night he can take it off to sleep, when he takes a bath, and possibly the pool (but if he's at the pool, he's not really swimming... it will be hard for him to move around and he can't get hit either). Then, getting into the car to go home we hear a hiss coming from the vent. And then the cold air was gone. I'm hoping with all the hope that I have for my car, that it's just a valve come loose and let all the freon out. Because at this point... all we can do is laugh and keep going.

Camp is 9 days away. <sigh> And boy am I counting down...

Unless the Lord

Psalm 127

Unless the Lord builds a house,

the work of the builders is wasted.

Unless the Lord protects a city,

guarding it with sentries will do no good.

It is useless for you to work so hard

from early morning until late at night,

anxiously working for food to eat;

for God gives rest to his loved ones.

Children are a gift from the Lord;

they are a reward from him.

Children born to a young man

are like arrows in a warrior's hands.

How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them!

He will not be put to shame when he confronts his accusers at the city gates.

I haven't been able to sleep lately. I have a lot of things going through my head... mostly cracking numbers and saying "what if -this-" and "what if -that-". We're looking for a home. Like an actual downpayment, homeowner's insurance, pay taxes, maintenance-upkeeping, equity-type home. We thought about it before when Mom put her house up for sale and made those wild plans to move to Tennessee, but since we didn't have the lines of credit at the time we chose to rent until the possibility presented itself. Now, having rented for a year, the time has come. I'm filled with excitement and overwhelming alarm. Haha! But mostly excitement.

The home search has been fun. Our financial advisor came highly recommended from a trusted source, and he recommended our real estate agent who is seriously top dog in her field. And then we're surrounded by people that know what they're talking about in certain areas. 

Well, you know me... conservative with a capital C and Aldo is "cheap" according to his BFF. lo So the first house we looked at was well below our price range. (We got approved for a $280K loan! Isn't that ridiculous?! I'll give you some comparison... we rent right now for $685/mo + storage and utilities. A $280,000 home has a payment of over $1800/mo. That's more than double what we're paying now! That's more than one of Aldo's paychecks! One and one don't equal two in their world of math I guess.) The first house we looked at was listed at $146K. It looked like a small box and I didn't like it from the pictures. Lack of garage and lack of yard were a turn-off, but I thought you know what, maybe we should check it out. Maybe it just looks small. Maybe small is what we can take care of to start. My first impression was right in this case... it is a box that needs to be torn down. It's not worth fifty bucks. I think it's been abandoned (should be condemned) for years and just recently the seller painted some walls and put it on the market. Yikes! When we first walked in the floors were on a slant, the upstairs rooms Aldo could barely fit in because the ceilings were low, and we couldn't tell which room was the "master bedroom" because we wouldn't be able to fit our bedroom furniture altogether in any of the rooms. 

We looked at a range of houses in one day. So our next house was off of main street in a quiet little neighborhood. The owners had lived there 40 years. When we walked in it immediately reminded me of my Grandma because of the taste and narrowness of the hall. It was listed at $199K, but it was probably more in the $170's. There were so many rooms in the house, I felt like we don't have enough furniture to fit in it all. And the backyard was HUGE with a gated, above ground pool. The problems I had with it were the age of HVAC system and other things like that which would definitely need replaced in the near future, as well as the small bathrooms for oompa-loompas (we'd have to knock out a wall to fit comfortably in the bathroom), and the care for the HUGE backyard and maintenance of the pool. Also, I would just feel bad asking a sweet grandma for a lower price. I know... I know... it's business.

The final house of the day was off of my old street "Hickory" in what was the newer, rich part of town when I was growing up. The home was a 3 bedroom with a 4th non-conforming (without windows) bedroom and they were asking $209K. A bit high for us, but we wanted range. The house was alright, nothing red flagged. Mila liked the open kitchen. And plenty of parking. My issue was the backyard. It was another house with an above ground pool AND jacuzzi, but because of the extravagance of those the yard had been taken up. I want our kids to have space to run and play catch, play tag, practice soccer, whatever! We made the choice to keep looking.

From the beginning, my desire (and Aldo's too) has been to follow God's will. If it's His will for us to move, we'll move. If it's His will for us to stay, we'll stay. I know that God opens doors and He closes them. I know that the right time will come for a house. I just want it to be the right house. I put my needs and requests before Him (kind of like the red, 10-speed bike story)... a 4 bedroom or 3 bedroom with room to expand, an ample yard, in the school district we chose, at a price we could afford, and if at all possible before December so we didn't have to sign on for another 6 months or go month-to-month.

I thought we may have found that home THE NEXT DAY. The next morning after praying I woke up to find a home that had gone back on the market at $198K after a sell had fallen through. It was next door to the older home in that charming little neighborhood on the corner lot. IT WAS PERFECT! The layout made sense. The covered deck to uncovered deck was beautiful. The yard space was -no words-. And the storage space was ridiculous. It even had a tree fort with a homemade zip line in the backyard. When we looked at it, Luke's cousins were with us and you could just feel that it was a perfect family hangout. Yes, there were some small projects here and there like the main shower needed more tile, doors replaced, rooms repainted and more caulking in areas... and some larger things that weren't immediate like the driveway completely redone and a large tree removed from the backyard. But nothing seemed too big. Until the basement. There were cracks in the basement. I've researched this and not all cracks are bad; cracks can be a sign of settling which houses do that. Vertical cracks are common and can be solved with epoxy and are fine for another 50 years. The most serious cracks are horizontal. You're looking at building an entirely new foundation for between $30,000-40,000. These cracks, were unfortunately, bad. And I don't think they would go down thirty grand from what our initial offer would be (looking in the $130-lower $140's).

I wasn't devastated, but I was bummed. Houses in the area aren't really coming up on the market, and when they do, they aren't up for long. I cracked numbers again and again and again. Our "sweet spot" is the $180's. We can afford the insurance, the lawn mower, the internet, even put Luke in sports and save money in the $180's. I could choose to go back to work another day or stay home still. We could pay off the car or not pay off the car. There's wiggle room. There are choices. If we want to get a house this year, our final option was one up-and-coming home in a new neighborhood that we'd be able to actually design a little bit for $235K. With that we'd have to pay off the car, Aldo get a raise, and me pick up more hours (and not eat... j/k) to get by. I was actually pumping myself up... you know we could do it. We could get a new house. But then, I thought "what if". What if something happened? What if Aldo wanted to go back to school? What if he lost his job? What if he had to take a pay cut? What if his hours changed... could I change my hours so easily? I didn't like the feeling of "STUCK". We would be stuck in whatever situation to barely make it. I want to enjoy my home. Not despise it. So new home was a no.

I don't know what made us look back at it, but I'm glad we didn't cross it off of our radar completely. 

Before I go into further detail, I want to say this: There's pros and cons to a pool. 

PRO #1 - Easy family time and entertaining. Welcoming friends and yahoos from all around. Bonus: jacuzzi would surely entice our friends to come visit and stay a while.

PRO #2 - They don't affect the value of the home (if above ground) either way, good or bad. 

PRO #3 - You can disassemble. You can resell (and get a good amount depending on age and care).

CON #1 - Lack of yard.

CON #2 - Another thing to maintain. And cost comes with that also.

CON #3 - Liability. It will increase insurance by about $50 because it is a safety issue.

We looked back again at the one with the pool and jacuzzi and small yard... the one where Mila felt comfortable in the kitchen... the one that had a recently updated HVAC and water heater... the one that seemed out of our "sweet spot". We looked again at the comps; they were in the $180's. Is the only thing keeping us from reconsidering this house the pool and lack of yard? Earlier, when I was researching pools and maintenance of them I found that it only costs about $200-250 a year per the national average. And since water bills should be that high anyway, a double in water bill still wouldn't be high. Since this house is in our "sweet spot", we could afford it with the pool and live comfortably. Luke could still do sports. There is still wiggle room and space to get out. If we had to, we could sell the pool! I thought about it and I'm thinking logically (I think) -

We could buy the house. For the first year, keep the pool and jacuzzi and get experience and enjoy it. We could have pool parties for birthdays. We could still get a small dog if we want (a $50/mo expenditure) and even it would have ample space to run in the backyard. We could get a handle on mowing that amount of space. The kids could use the front yard if necessary. And, if after playing with it a little we decided to sell the pool and jacuzzi; we could do it. And build a better deck. And have a larger yard. There is still movement. There are still possibilities. We can do it! So, next week we are going to look at it with Aldo's dad and possibly put in an offer. That is the plan.

Here is the final point I want to make and it goes back to the beginning (HAHA, that's ironic. "Alpha and Omega... Beginning and End... #pastorpuns) - 

Unless the Lord. 

Unless the Lord makes it happen, we're not moving into that house. Unless the Lord sends peace of mind by His Holy Spirit, we're not buying. We won't budge. The Lord has surrounded us with multiple advisors and examples; we're going to listen to that sound counsel. We're going to succeed in our home search but it's only with the Lord's direction. And I know, without a doubt, He loves me. So what if he threw in a pool and jacuzzi because he knew that the first year or so we wouldn't need the yard? What if he threw in a bonus (a well, taken care of bonus that would give us money back in the future)? I don't know. The future is full of possibilities, isn't it?

P.S.
I had a dream with House #4 (bad foundation house). God asked me if I was ready for the responsibility of owning a home. I weakly said "Yes, I think so." And He smiled and showed me a vision of a father asking their child if he or she was ready for the responsibility of taking care of a dog. And of course, the kid would say yes. And then after a week of taking care of the dog, they'd slowly get away from it. But mom and dad would make sure the dog got taken out for walks or to go to the restroom, went to the vet, and made sure it had plenty of food. The dog was taken care of. In that, God was showing me that He's my Father. Yes, he'd give me the responsibility of homeownership, but He'd still be there to provide like a parent. He's the BEST.

Moving Month, Part 1

1 Year, 4 Months

We're half-way through our move. Like any other major events that happen in life, there's been some good and some bad points, although I would say this has been better than what I expected, and the so-called "bad" have just been "surprises". For instance, I thought the kids would get on my nerves. They don't at all. The kids are hardly here, and when they are Luke has someone to keep him busy and off the tv, Mila has young baby watchers so we can move or clean or cook, and if none of the above, they actually keep to themselves. When they're not here the house is absolute quiet. My uncle is usually off doing horse business making the big bucks, or in his room. Another example, I thought Mila would be too much for them because she can be demanding and loud. The kids LOVE her and she has this weird communication/connection with Jerad. He LOVES her. My guess is he has a little baby fever. (After all they used to foster all the time. So kids had the run of the place.) For some reason I keep imagining my mom talking with family members and as a side note questioning how it's going or somehow making us look like bad renters (whether it's not getting the laundry through in a timely fashion, not cleaning up dishes, always watching tv, always sleeping, always reading, using all the internet, using all the water, not offering to help with horses, not painting the place..... these are just some valid to outlandish things I could come up with, and it's not really that far-fetched of a daydream). And Jerad answering for us.. "no, they're good tenants." Of course we are. I feel as if Jerad would rather we stay longer; if not for the extra money then for the company.

This past week was the first time we actually "hung out". Aldo and I had to go somewhere, I can't remember, and Aldo told Jerad he could watch on our tv. When we got back Jerad has his feet up on the couch all comfortable-like and was watching off of Kodi (the movie set-up Dad did for us). The next day he was on it again. And the next day. And then the kids were here for the weekend. At first they played outside in the snow, and then when they came in... watched on our tv again! This was the surprise. I thought for sure they would leave by bedtime. Because they were watching the movie for the second time. And it was a school night. And privacy. Nope. Aldo wasn't here so Luke was put in bed and Mila and I hid in my room watching a DVD on my laptop. So this was the one time where privacy ever came up. And it really wasn't that bad. Not what I thought.

The other surprise has been the fireplace. It's not bad or anything... just a nuisance. You have to restock the logs more frequently than what I would have thought. Our first night here was the coldest night ever!! And so now we know how much firewood, size of logs, when to put them in, how to control the fire, etc. I guess for if we ever need to know that information. But more importantly, central heating is a MUST and a fireplace can be back-up.

---

Today I had a morning meeting, so while Mila slept on Jerad's watch, Luke came with me and then I took him to school. This would give me the chance to ask about transferring later on and virtual school, etc. The office lady was a heckler. She gave me the 10th degree and dug in to where I had to tell the truth about us moving. And she was like... <use Wicked Witch of the West voice>.. "well using a different address is illegal." Ugh. Do you know how many people live out of district and still go to the school of their choice? Or use a different address than where they are really living? A ton of people. AND, I've had several people tell me that they knew people who didn't have to transfer. A Piper kid for instance. That's KCK school district. Hmmmm.... So it's not like I was asking for Luke to ride the bus or anything. She said, "well, he'll need to get approved by the district office and you'll have to call them... and usually only people who need special attention or special reasons get through." Baloney. (I know that's not how you spell the word... But I think that's how It's spelled when it's not the lunch meat, and more of phoney information. Just so you know. I'm not illiterate. Haha!)

So... today I've spent scrambling to get paperwork together: birth certificate, lease information, immunizations, utility information, etc. All before the schools and businesses are closed for the holidays and winter break. Luke's last day at Basehor Elementary is tomorrow!!! He doesn't even know. Him, his teacher, the schools... it's like nobody had been prepped and made ready for this transition. Poor buddy. His friends are going to be surprised to know that he's not coming back from winter break. He's moving away. And so what should be a fun thing has become an emotional, sad thing. My poor baby. I can see a few benefits from this:

1. The new school is directly across the street from the apartments. So I no longer have to travel back and forth to take Luke to school. Less money spent on gas for transportation. And I do t have to travel during the winter months either. And I can be there at a moment's notice if need be.

2. We continue to break out on our own. Is Johnson County where we see ourselves in the future? Well, we aren't still hitched to family in the boonies.

3. It's easier to transfer now rather than in 2nd or 3rd or 4th grade, or middle school. It's better now while he's young. And at least it's one kid and not both of them.

4. This is weird, but another daydream I've been having is that what if this is all part of God's plan? What if years from now Luke is sitting across from his wife, whom he met in 1st grade at this new school, and she confesses that if he had come sooner he would never have "stuck out" to her. An de if he had come sooner he would never have been coupled up with her to learn the class rules, catch up on the subject, etc. What if this is all God's plan? (That should have been my #1.)

As I was being handed all the paperwork to sign at this new school from this new face in the office, I was heartbroken that Luke had to be plucked out from what he knew and pushed into something else. I said out loud, "<sigh> this is sad." The office lady looked at me like I was crazy. Like I was getting a divorce or something and Luke was going to need counciling. Not the case, lady. It's more like my expectations were hit by a train. And so all I can think is - it must all be God's plan to get us into that position where He wants us. Literally.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Whenever I get on here my mind is literally blank on what I should write. So much happens week to week, there's absolutely no way of catching up on all of it. This past week/month/year has been no different. I can't even begin to cover it all. So forgive me with the things that I'm writing on or the things I have missed...

Since Aldo and I caved in October and bought our first flatscreen tv (finally!) with our first credit card (yikes!) I've been able to keep up-to-date on all the happenings in the world. I'll tell you, I'm not impressed. It's wearisome. Today is Election Day. For the past 500+ days, everything has been this candidate and that candidate, accusation after accusation, this "tweet" and that document... It's hard to take seriously. But tonight there will definitely be a new president in the White House. It really opens your eyes to what's in store for the next 4 years. How is this going to look for my children? How can I teach them to be "informed" when they are surrounded with a ton of bipartisan and/or fluffed up media?

I had to have a conversation with my 6-year-old a couple weeks ago on politics. They were discussing who to vote for on the bus. First off, why can't our kids just be kids for a while longer!?! Second, how do you discuss with your kid the hard issues and topics? The ones people get really passionate about and even offended? I don't want to downplay it, but I don't want to burden them either. And I don't want to make the decision for them either. I explained to him what each candidate planned on doing, simply, and told him it was his choice to pick who would lead the United States best. My son is so brilliant, he told me it was a tough choice because he didn't agree with either one of the candidates fully. (This year the runners are Donald Trump [Rep] and Hillary Clinton [Dem].) 

If I Were President...

"I would say that it's a law to take showers weekly."

"I'll try to be a good and wise president."

I will be glad when this is all over. I feel cautious... There are so many people that have become hardened, I think. There is "Black Lives Matter", "Blue Lives Matter", different communities... and last night I just heard the phrase Divided States of America. This is scary folks. Our nation is on the brink of change. So where do we stand when all the pieces fall?

Another change has been the sale of this house, and the move to <fill in blank>.
Mom projected that the house would sell in October and her goal was $334K. It was an outrageous amount so we didn't think it would sell as quick. Every other weekend it felt like there was an "open house" without anyone seriously buying. And every other weekend we had to clean the house top to bottom, following our kids around AND making improvements on top of that. It was exhausting. AND some of those weekends we had to take care of the animals alone. It was beginning to be a fun-sucking process. Mom lowered the price (a total shock) and started getting some real bites. At the end of October, she came to an agreement on an offer $273,500. We had inspectors come... a ton of them... all on the same day! It was nuts. They checked EVERYTHING! (The lagoon, upstairs, downstairs, light sockets, water damage, mold, the roof, the dirt and poisonous air that might come out of it, etc.) It looked promising until the gentleman said he wanted the lagoon moved. How would you move a lagoon? Mom didn't cave; she said no. They agreed that mom would clean the garage roof (because Ollie pooped on it) and would have it patched where it had been leaking.
Starting in November, it appeared that we wouldn't be living here after December; we won't have Christmas here. I wasn't really torn up about it... a house is a house... but the more I think about it, the more it kind of saddens me. It is a basement, but it's difficult to imagine having Christmas at a new place. Anyway, November we began searching FOR REAL for apartments. The obtaining of a home loan without credit seemed too far-fetched when we didn't have the "alternative stuff" that they wanted specifically, and we didn't have enough of a downpayment either. So, option #2... rent an apartment. It's been a while since we looked at the apartment market, but geez... it's expensive. Our rating system for apartments was on a scale of 1-10... 10 being everything we ever wanted and 1 being better than a box. I googled, Zillowed, apartmentsearched, mapped, etc. every apartment in the area. There is hardly anything. It was overwhelming. It has come down to... you are paying the extra money to live in a neighborhood with less reported crime, drugs, shady people, and extra appliances.
To cut a long story short, we made appointments to look at two apartments this week that, at the time, I had a feeling we can't afford.
BUT THEN... I prayed. It seemed we had two choices:
1. Live with Jerad and save. But we wouldn't get the "alternative credit" for renting so we would have to get more credit cards (that we don't want) and open our own phone lines or pay for internet or some other utilities (that we don't necessarily need). And yet, Luke would easily remain in the school he's attending and I wouldn't need to worry about driving him.
2. Rent from a way over-priced apartment and go through our savings, as well as have to wake up early and drive Luke to school daily. Or rent in a questionable neighborhood and fear for what may be going on around us and who, and still drive Luke to school. Is it worth it?
After I prayed, God spoke to me. He said, "Why don't you live with Jerad in December and pay him what you agreed on and the difference put straight in savings? Pretend like you are renting." I thought about it and went through all the pros... Luke still goes to school; if we go negative on budget, it's not like we actually lost the money; we get prepped for how this will look; if we can make the budget work in December when it's Christmas then we can make it work any month, etc. But then I stopped and had to ask, "But is this still faith?" And He said, "Is faith being OBEDIENT?" When I told this to Aldo, he agreed that we weren't going to argue and we'll do the December mock-renting at Jerad's. It's wise, right? Like, why didn't we think of this earlier?
So, we are prepping to move to Jerad's. This week we are still going to the apartments to get our numbers to budget on, and next week we'll probably clean Jerad's basement and get it ready to move into. Then we'll move over the things that we don't use everyday. And by December the rest of it.
A quick side note: I never thought she would do it, but it looks like Mom is selling the chickens. I was beginning to think she was taking them with her to Tennessee. She said that the only reason she wanted us to stay as long as we have is so that we can let out the chickens in the morning. (!!!) Well, thanks for that.

At the same time... I don't want to put all her dirty laundry on here, so I'll leave out the details... Maecy and Mateo moved in. I have been watching Mateo a few days out of the week. He's a good kid, but two babies at the same time is almost too much. I look forward to when Aldo or Mom or Maecy, or Luke even, come home. I'm beginning to get the schedule down, like when nap times are and when to eat, or check for poop. But when they cry and you're tired from apartment hunting and cleaning and other small annoyances... it's like nails on a chalkboard. Thank you Lord, that this isn't going to last too long.

Our First Day with Mateo

(He was crying, and at first Mila tried to cheer him up, 

but when he just got louder, this is what followed.)

So the next few months and 2017 are going to have a whole new look. It's almost like earth got hit and is revolving on a new axis. Well, I'm not being dramatic or anything... <sarcasm>. I think I need to follow up this post with a few pictures maybe.

Halloween 2016: A Poke-Family

Luke was Infernape (a level two pokemon that is a monkey and catches on fire. 200 attack points.)

Mila was Pikachu. I was a Pokeball, and Aldo was the guy who throws the Pokeball.

I guess I didn't get to talk about it... Halloween was alright. Luke, Mila and I went to the Cubbages and trick-or-treated with them for a road and a half, and it was kind of stressful. Then we went with Maecy and Mateo, Mom, Jerad and the kids, which was also difficult but only because the kids are heavy when you're carrying them and wearing a gigantic Pokeball. It only happens once in a lifetime though. Enjoy your family when you can! 

When Papa Visits

Hair Long Enough for Pig Tails!!! <3

Worst Week Ever

Maybe it's been two weeks, I'm not really sure - the days are beginning to blend. I typed this all out once already. It was cranky. It was tired and worn. It was venting. It was the honest truth. Yet, I still (even if nobody ever reads this) want to keep my family members in good light. Out of all the times I feel as if my husband or I have been misrepresented, I just can't speak ill of people... because I want others to get their own impressions, not base it on someone else's ideas and thoughts.

All in all, my lesson for this week is: Actions speak louder than words. And eventually, the truth will come out.

• It started with mom putting the house on the market and wanting to have a huge estate sale. Everything goes. Except what she can fit in the 3rd garage. I would be better help if I knew what she wanted to keep (she is keeping a lot of - what I would label as - junk) and also, if Mila wasn't so clingy. Of course, when mom needs me, Mila is sick or teething or not sleeping at night or dealing with separation anxiety because I worked the night before.

• Our 7th Year Anniversary was in the middle of all of this. Aldo works crazy schedule hours, and so to celebrate we went to World's of Fun with the youth. He insisted I go this year because I've missed the last 2 or 3. I got burnt. Baaaaad. At the time it didn't feel like anything, and I pasted on the sunscreen repeatedly, but it seems the older I get, the less the sunscreen works. My skin was baked at the end of the day. Like a juicy, ripe tomato. So on top of Mila not sleeping, I couldn't sleep from the fact that I couldn't get comfortable. Lack of sleep = Lack of motivation to do anything.

• We didn't get our mortgage loan approved. Apparently we don't have enough credit lines.

• We haven't received any info on our credit card request. That was supposed to take 24 hours. It's been weeks.

•  And last, like the cherry on top of it all, when I go to church, and yes, still without my husband which is a crummy deal all in itself and now without my mom or sis, I can barely stay for worship. It is a struggle to hear the message because Mila wants what she wants and I can't leave her alone in nursery because it is overflowing with kids and she's needy. Somehow I'm the only one that can communicate with her. Others can barely last an hour, if that. When Mila cries... She doesn't wear out. There's no consoling her unless you know the one thing she wants. So needless to say, Sundays have been warfare. Additionally, the leadership want to have a Sunday night service. I'm all for it, but I keep asking myself - what can I do? I have nothing to give. My Sundays have been taken. My early morning devotions by myself have been taken (it's the only time I can do any work because Mila is asleep). I'm worn.

So I'm holding out for this sale. Hopefully things go more smoothly when the house gets listed officially. I will continue to hold my tongue even in disagreement. I will push through at church and maybe even wake up earlier in the morning. God and Me Time has to be a priority. It just has to.

I'll end with this - and I'm sorry this is so random - People make mistakes. I'm trying the best I can. <3

Roller Coaster of June

I said I would do a two-parter and never got to it...
June 2016 has been a full month. It's been a crazy roller coaster. Sometimes life's like that.
The Monday after returning from our family trip I got a call from Dad; he was on the way to the hospital because Grandma wasn't breathing. I'd been expecting and prepping myself for this for a while (Grandma had multiple cancers for 12 years), but nothing can really prepare you. And no matter how much I thought I was ready, I wasn't ready for it at THIS time. Over the week it was a mixture of emotions. Luke's birthday sleepover was cancelled, but we made it work anyway. Camp was coming up. Offered to help Dad shop for funeral clothes. A constant back and forth.

In Aldo's words... "Grandma would've liked the funeral service." Whenever I go to funerals it brings up thoughts of what I would like mine to be like. If it's hot, make that thing as quick as possible. Tell some funny stories. I'm sure somebody has one. (Aldo and Maecy diving in the frozen pond after the ducks never gets old. Or the time when Aldo almost got the "stuck egg" unstuck. I know they're not really stories of me per se, but who cares... They make ME laugh.) I enjoy games. Cards specifically. The kind of cards that make you think, but I know that there's some personalities out there that can't sit still through the rules alone. Especially if Aldo's the one explaining them. So, play some cards and that would do.

For Luke's birthday we set up a fort, hanging from the wall. He'd been wanting another "fort night" for a while and it just happened to have worked out. We (I) decorated the living room with draping streamers that had cut outs of leaves attached. Green balloons hung around with dollar bills coming off of them. It was a weird green jungle in our living room. We rented Zootopia and had zebra cakes, popcorn, root beer, animal crackers, etc. to go along with the jungle theme. And a fantastic breakfast made out of donuts, whipped cream and strawberries. I love cohesiveness by the way. The movie had animal cops in it - donuts went right along. Sorry for the misrepresentation if you are a cop reading this. Everyone likes donuts I think. For Luke's present we got him a dinosaur robot. Mila gave him a dinosaur (which I should know the name but it's been a while since Luke has quizzed me or since I've read up on them in the dinosaur portion of Luke's encyclopedia...), and it matches the indominous rex... Because it too makes sounds when you move its arms and I think it lights up too. It's the dinosaur with the flaps on the sides of its head that fan out when it gets excited. Luke didn't have that dinosaur yet. ;)
He was completely surprised over and over. He said "it just keeps getting better". Oh my heart.

Now skip forward to camp. We went down on Saturday to prep the sanctuary and rooms, and unload everything. My biggest job was going on a Walmart run. I'm glad I did otherwise I would have been stuck watching, feeling useless and unhelpful. That night we went out to eat... It felt disconnected, or at least I did because I was stuck on the end away from everyone. That's what happens when you have babies. They require all your attention and energy, so it's really hard to carry on a conversation, let alone a conversation that doesn't include kids, and eat too. Food is always cold.
Sunday we went out for breakfast, and then the day was busy, busy, busy again. It felt like 2 o'clock (when the staff showed up) and then 5 o'clock came all too soon. I don't know how but for the rest of camp, I was always busy with something during the meals, so I wouldn't be able to eat until hours later. Or food would go half eaten and then hours later I would pick up wherever I left off. Registration (and this is supposed to be "my baby") went as smooth as ever. Meaning it didn't. Registration is never smooth. There's always something. This year it felt like it was confusing and hectic. Maybe that was just me because I was juggling a baby at the same time. And I have no idea if people paid. My inner organizer thinks there has to be a better process.
The first session was perfect. Mila wasn't a disturbance, she sang with the music and watched from the back. The merch table had a handle on things. It was all good. Then during prayer Aldo took Mila and I was able to pray over two girls. The first one was a confirmation over a girl. And the second was just kind of like a blessing-ish thing over another girl. I remember praying for dreams and visions over her. Both I prayed in tongues. The new thing this year was the After Party, but it was too late for me and for Mila, so we party pooped out and went to bed early. I heard they had fun doing the cha-cha, macarina, maybe the cupid shuffle, and hitting the quan. (Ask me about all about thee dance moves...... I know nothing. I used to be in once upon a time. There are times I miss dance; these are the only times.)
That night I had a dream. It was about how I got this weird call for help on my phone and I searched up and down the streets for this person. I ran into her at the post office and said, "I've been looking everywhere for you." She confessed to me that it was her calling for help but not for her; she called for her brother who was abused because he liked to dress up like a girl. Then I sensed (I can't remember if I ever saw them) that the parents were "Christians". So on the outside it looked like a perfect family, but on the inside there was a lot going on. I woke up shaken. My heart broke for the girl and her brother. And I remember asking God - what do you want me to do with this? And He brought me to the story of the woman brought before Jesus by the Pharisees who was caught in adultery. He said, "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone". And later, "where are your accusers? Then neither I will accuse you. Go and sin no more." It was awesome to have that shown to me so deeply. I realized that there are two types of sins: the kind that you can blatantly see and the kind that are hidden. The boy in the dream was confused. I don't know if he sinned or not, but the parents were embarrassed because what he was doing was out in the open. It was crazy! And I remember feeling so hard for the boy. He was tall and his face was expressionless. Like he couldn't feel any more. The sister tried to remain strong for him. Anyway, a bit later I was thinking, and a name popped in my head. Of one of the students. I was worried about her. Is she the one that is dealing with abuse at home and hasn't come forward? So I went to Miss C that morning during breakfast.
Later were the workshops. I was unsure if I was supposed to be in the older girls' workshop or not. They left my name off the schedule, but it seemed as though they wanted me up there for prayer and as another woman minister, and what if... especially after a dream like that. However, Mila got us kicked out. I stepped out during worship because she was a little loud and went back in for the speaking. I was just telling Kari that if she got too rowdy, tell me, when Miss C came over. I was devastated. I didn't know where to go. I thought I should take a nap on it maybe.... So I went back to the room. Mila slept a tiny bit. I lay there trying to get over what happened. I came to the conclusion that I might be heartbroken, but I was positive that Miss C was also heartbroken. The whole situation just stinks. It took a while to get over; I almost broke out in tears when Anna came over during dodgeball signup and then in front of a male counselor who I didn't know.
Much of the rest of camp is a blur. I was able to go to all of the worship parts of each session, but not the sessions themselves. I missed out on Angela Gazaway's preaching where she simply had kids and adults look into a mirror and tell their pain to go away. I missed out on the other church's drama. I missed out on Pastor Steve's teaching - I can't even tell you what it was. I missed out on Miss C and Pastor T talking about baptism. During those times I either took Mila back to the room to play or sleep, prayed for what felt like forever in the waiting area below the sanctuary, or went to the dining hall. One of the times in the dining hall, all of the kitchen ladies were just enraptured by Mila. It was after one of the hard times. After not being able to go to any of the services, I was frustrated with Mila particularly and seriously questioning whether or not I belonged at camp at all. (Let me backtrack real quick. I can't remember when, but there was an end of a service that I was able to catch where they called the ministers up. I told Kari to go up while I watched the merchandise table. I couldn't even sit there so I had to ask Shane to take over for me. Later I saw Shane, so I have no idea who took over the table. And there were times when I left Mila's snacks in one place and bottle in another and diapers and wipes in another. It felt like Mila and I had taken over camp with our stuff and anywhere you went you couldn't escape. The dining hall had her car seat in one place, her jumper in another, and her stroller in another. I kept asking myself why were they even in there when she wouldn't sit in them for more than 10 minutes. The stroller was only a storage spot for random junk the entire camp. Why take up the space?) And that same question came to my mind as well. Am I just taking up space? Why am I here? But I had to fog that question out with the fact that I had mentioned that earlier on during the planning process and they said they wanted me there. That alone kept me strong. So as I was keeping it together in the dining hall, Sheri Smith, Sheri Baptist, and Patty Bradshaw encouraged me with simple things. They took Mila and told her how wonderful she was. They gave me spoonfuls of peanut butter to feed her, a piece of red licorice, and for myself a bowl of fruit cocktail. I'm one to wear my feelings on my face. It's hard to hide how I feel. So I'm sure they could tell I was frustrated and worn out. They told me I was a good mother. (I could cry now typing this.) Then they went back to work. I sat with Mila and watched her enjoy all this food. Then she tried to share her peanut butter covered licorice with me. It was cute. Her jamming it down my throat, sharing her sweets. Then she accidentally dropped it in my fruit cocktail. So as she was grabbing it out, she realized ooh, what's my hand dipped into now? And started swirling her hand around in my fruit cocktail. It's funny how babies question whether or not something is edible. Or how they explore new things. She started eating the fruit cocktail with her hands, and when she was done with that proceeded to feed it to me. She thought me sucking it from her hands was hilarious. It kept her entertained because I ate two bowlfuls.
I had to give up blowing the horn for Camp Wars. But that's ok - I had my own walkie that I kept for all of camp and I was able to use the buzzer on it to let everyone know when each round ended and began. The kids loved coming over for break and oggling over Mila. They loved sharing their Camp Wars gear with her - letting her wear their color beads, head bands, tiaras, etc. And she would give out "kisses" freely. I claimed that I was getting "sloppy 35ths", although it was much more than that.
Sorry I'm going out of order. The day after the first dream, after the workshops, Miss C called me to come with her. I thought I was going to get reprimanded or an apology, but I didn't. She called me over because the girl I had a dream about had locked herself in the bathroom after throwing an enormous fit/rage and was in there crying and scaring the rest of the room. After sending the core leaders and group to swim for a free time, we talked with her a bit and found out that she had been texted someone and they told her to "go die". That's why she was upset. She also has "a glow" that comes over her when she gets mad. And has nightmares. And changes her name every so often because she doesn't like her original name. And she remembers one of her past lives. There was a lot of off the wall stuff. But I was able to talk to her and tell her I had a dream about her. And I asked her if she was abused and she said no. Afterward, Miss C walked with me and told me that she shows all the signs of abuse, but whatever we just did was beneficial because now she is open to talk to us. Even if not at camp, there's an open communication there where she can come to us in the future. The night following I had another dream, except a nightmare. It was about all of the things she said she had nightmares about. And it stirred me up because I asked God, why He would give me a dream like that? But He answered with - "Every good and perfect thing is from above" (James 1:17). I realized that God hadn't given me that nightmare. But it coincided so perfectly so it messed with me. I had to get my mind off of these thoughts, so I switched it up to "Whatever is pure... whatever is lovely... think on these things" (Philippians 4:8). And then I woke up Aldo to partner with me in it and also ask what he thought. We ended up praying over camp and whatever schemes the devil had for it, and then sharing it with Pastor T and Miss C. They told me later that it's difficult to be an intercessor, even when the Lord calls you out for one specific person, because it drains you. So now I knew my purpose for camp, if anything at all. And that's what I clung onto for the rest of camp.
I wanted to be at baptism so bad. But I had learned that God was opening doors and closing doors, literally, all of camp. I make plans, but he leads my steps. (Check out Proverbs 16:9) God is in control. And it's hard when I like being in control. So for baptism I had asked several people if they would watch Mila. They either backed out or it wouldn't work. It was easy for me to see that I was only going to be down at baptism if God was going to make the way. I watched from the balcony for a bit while Mila slept in my arms, and then from the dining hall window when she woke up. I put her in the jumper and turned around and fed her snacks, a constant back and forth, back and forth. She eventually got tired of that so I just held her. And I said in my mind - Lord, if you want me down there, you're going to have to send the person. I'm not going around asking. As people were dwindling by the pool, kids were no longer being baptized but leaders now, I remained calm. I knew that there was still time for God to send the person. And He did. Dez came in and asked if she could hold Mila. I jumped at the chance and went down to the pool. But then when I got there, I felt like I was pacing the pool, waiting for God to let me in. Waiting for the "go ahead" from a leader, or Aldo, or someone. I kept looking at Aldo because he always says that I beat him to it (to baptism). So this time I was going to let him beat me, even if I had already decided that I would like to be baptized. He wasn't budging. And I realized that he wasn't going to without a push. So I was directed by the Holy Spirit to go pray for him. I b-lined it and just started praying for him. I thought it was a good prayer at the time. I don't know if others heard, and Aldo revealed to me later that his spirit man was in a funk at the time, so I can just go by what I thought - that it was powerful. And Aldo decided he needed baptized. But it wasn't what I thought. So we all surrounded him, and I prayed for him. Others were like - dang! But I don't know what was going on... my eyes were closed. And then Aldo told us that he was letting go of pain after our friend Danny had died.
Then I was ready to be baptized. But it seemed everyone else wanted to go. So I waited. I didn't mind being last. (Matthew 19:30) Finally, I said I was ready. I was letting go of control. This entire camp was for me open and closed doors... me making my plans, but God directing my steps... God's provision... and my prayer was honestly "not my will, but Your will" and making that truth. And I wasn't tired of trying to keep it together. After that first dream, God showed me how he felt about the LGBT community. "I have been searching for you everywhere." And the story of John 8. So we all sin. We all fall short. Don't think you are better because you sin in secret. And so I was letting go of misconceptions. And another thing I had put off for a while was my questioning the Christian song about "Wine". There are people that think wine is distasteful and shouldn't be associated with God. At all. I was letting go of these things. And I said that I wanted to be childish for God. I wanted to let go of all of these things. And I wanted to taste His wine. I'm not really into the flavor down here on earth, but I'm sure God's is good. (Luke 18:15-17)
Miss C came over to pray for me I guess. And she said that angels were around the pool and asked me to look for them. I couldn't really see anything. But I "imagined" or maybe I did see - I'm not really sure... I'm not going to double-guess myself or the Lord... - I saw two wings. They were white-ish. There was lightning coming up and down them. And there were rainbows coming out. I can't explain it. Then my ears started to go numb. And then my hands. And I wasn't sure what to do with them. And I don't know what was going on around me. Were people laughing at me? Did they think I was drunk with the Spirit? I talked with Aldo later and he said that when I started speaking in tongues Miss C had backed away from me. I ended up getting baptized finally. Dunked twice because they didn't dip me all the way. And after me, Miss C got baptized. Which I didn't know she had never gotten baptized before at Awaken Camp! Her legs locked up. It was so funny. And I guess she was drunk/tipsy for the next hour or so and still at the testimony service.
All in all Awaken Camp was amazing. As much as the struggle was, God revealed things to me in that and through that. I pray I grow as next camp approaches, and that He continues to reveal things and speak to me like never before. And that I listen. And obey.

Friends

These past few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. I've really appreciated the friends I have, and realized how important maintaining and pouring into the "friend" relationship is.

It started with Dani DeRuse. I was disappointed at a get together Aldo and I went to and later prayed for a God-believing and -following friend to hang out with. Days later Dani called and asked if I wanted to go shopping. Duh?! (Now normally I wouldn't say "yes" because I'm naturally shy and anti/social. It's taken a lot of work to get to where I am. And I definitely wouldn't say "yes" to Dani because first off, she is so dang gorgeous, and second, I wouldn't think she would shop at the same places I would. But for some reason I said "yes".) The timing was right - the  weather was beautiful, we both like the same type of stores, I got my long-needed conversation on, we even bought the clothes we needed. (And I found out later, she was pregnant. And I even mentioned something too! She said it was so hard keeping the secret from me.)

Then, Sunday, January 31st, our friend Danny Cubbage had a stroke. He's was in the hospital for days trying to get brain swelling down. And on February 4th he passed away. Aldo was able to stay at the hospital a lot of the time, whereas I was driving kids or watching kids or getting food. Or awkwardly spending the 3rd celebrating Maecy's 21st birthday (watching babies at the salon while she got her hair done, and also all of us getting manicures).

So it's been up and down. I'm so excited for Dani and you wouldn't believe how timely our visit was. (I was reading a book on Prayer at the time). But then watching the Cubbages and realizing it won't be the same, and how much Danny touched our hearts, and not having prayer answered the way we want has - the words are even now hard to choose - sunken our spirits, like a gut-wrenching feeling. And then having a celebration in the middle of all the chaos was difficult. How do you respond?  No wonder I felt like I hit a brick wall. I might have shut my emotions of, so not to hurt others or be hurt myself. 

And in the middle of all that, Mila got her first tooth. It's the bottom, middle right (when looking at her). She didn't need teething medicine. Didn't sound or look sick. The only things noticeable to me were her wanting to be held (normal), slobbering (normal), chewing on her hand or nipples of bottles or even binky (that's new), and rubbing her ear (sure sign!). Mark your baby book - Mila's first tooth popped through on February 3rd.