Stay-at-Home-Mom vs. The World

I could literally cry right now. Or throw something. Or scream in my pillow. And then cry. But I contain a lot of my feelings when I'm overwhelmed. Or mad. I'll work backwards.

Today I'm upset because Granddad just walked in and the house is a disaster. I mean bad. Old food bowls out, couch in disarray, wrappers on the floor with toys and blankets and clothes, shoes blocking the doors and throughout the living room so you will most definitely trip over them, and diaper stench coming from the kitchen. Thank goodness he didn't go further in... to Luke's room, our room, laundry room, kitchen or bathrooms. (That's our whole house!) I'm passed embarrassed - I'm depressed really. All I can think is - I was raised better than this. But I have no help. And its not their fault, they're busy or tired or just too young to know what I expect. Not only that but Luke has had a cough and runny nose (thank you public school) and all day Mila has been crying where nothing helps (not feeding, not diaper change, not switching how she's held, not even being with me, Mommy) because she's sick now too. Honestly I feel like a single parent. But with an income. And then I have all these other duties: take care of the animals in the morning, do the newsletter, make a flyer for church, the family needs laundry, but don't forget to feed yourself. Take care of yourself, Erryn. Make sure you're drinking enough water and eating right. And having Erryn time. That's honest to goodness advice I just got the other day. Yeah, thanks. That helps. <sarcasm if you didn't catch that>

I am overwhelmed. My energy is GONE. I would say more, but then one might think I was being a "drama queen". Not true. I'm not being dramatic at all on this. Let's move on.

Yesterday, a lady told me that quote at the library. We were just catching up. She saw me with a baby and asked whose it was. Mine. She looks just like me... Ninkumpoop. (But I didn't say that.) Well, she's been studying nursing so now she knows everything there is to know about bodies and behavior.
Mess-up #1 - she told me to watch my child like she would swing back in a tantrum, like I wasn't holding her properly.
Mess-up #2 - she said I looked "tired"
Mess-up #3 - when I said "yes, I am... (Are you for real? Duh. I have a baby.) lack of sleep and I might be low on iron... I'm going to test out a few things and if it doesn't help, I'm  going to ask my doctor when I go in next" she offered more advice ... "Don't wait," she said.

And, you know what she said later.. (Stated above). Get some time to yourself.
The greatest mess-up is offering advice to a new mom when it isn't asked for. That means it's UNWELCOME. You don't know the background story. I was so nice in my responses... Dr. Phil, Oprah, Jerry Springer... They all would have been so proud of me. And on the way home, going through the conversation in my head, I remembered... I've been through this before. When people gave parenting and medical advice with Luke.

You want to help out? Carry the movies over to the check out and type in the number for me. Then carry the bags to the car. You say I shouldn't let people hold the baby because her immune system isn't fully developed... Don't offer to hold her then. Come to my house and vacuum. Bring over a meal. Offer a play date for my other kid. This isn't just a reminder to reader, whoever you are, but myself too. I AM NOT GOING TO BE THAT PERSON - THE ONE WITHOUT TACT. I'd rather be thoughtful and a real, true friend. Just saying.

As I was typing this out earlier, the word "abandoned" came to mind. I kind of feel that way. But I realize now, that's how the enemy wants me to think. The enemy wants me to throw in the towel and become bitter, etc. etc. etc. This is what it isn't - "stay-at-home-mom vs. the world". This is what it is - "stay-at-home-mom in a season and overcoming obstacles because she knows who's on her side and she knows the future GUARANTEED". Boom-shakalaka! (The answer is God. God is the answer. He's on my side.)

Dang, I'm awesome. Emotions are moot.

(I should probably add another "label" called Emotions. Or Venting. Here on out....)

P.S. And it made me so sad that this post is before Thanksgiving too. Lame. Let's get through this season, ok?

Warnings to Motherhood

"The Ones We Don't Think About"

Regarding my 3 Month Old:

• It's obvious breastfeeding was going to have an effect on my body, but I didn't realize everything it encompasses. So rather than repeat myself on "soreness/tenderness", "leaking", "engorgement", I'll start with something you wouldn't think of - scratches. Like pins and needles. My little one abuses me before bed. While she nurses, she hits and grabs, and it's always on my boob. And watch out if you didn't trim her nails because those things will catch on your skin and dig! I've come up with a solution... Let her hold your finger. After several repeat beatings I did this and was like - Uh-duh!
• Breastfeeding also causes fatigue. They really do suck the energy out of you. And so Yay! I just read you can eat more frequently and/or more calories. I was seriously questioning why I was eating so much, well there you have it.
• You don't have a period. Say what?! How did I not know this? I think we have failed as a society in not informing our children.
• She's more "attached" to me. She has slept longer with us in our bed than Luke. And she finds more comfort in me holding her than Aldo or Grammy. It's kind of sad. Kind of depressing... In another "Oh, gosh! I'm going to have to wean her" kind of way.

Regarding my 5 Year Old:

• He just told me the other day that he didn't want to go to Cabela's to see Santa because he's not the real Santa. Oh man! It starts... He told me there's only one real Santa and a lot of pretend Santa's. So this year we are writing the North Pole. Luke has asked for "all of the transformers he is missing". And for Mila he asked for a golden dress. I wonder what Santa's response will be. But more importantly, who brought this to his attention? I knew he would learn things from the school kids... It's either them or Grammy. And as a parent, how long before you let your child know the truth?
• Going along with that subject of things they learn at school, did you know they begin to talk to kids about "proper" and "improper touches", and also boys' and girls' body parts in Kindergarten. I was honestly kind of surprised. But at the same time, these are the kinds of things parents need to talk to their kids about - as protectors and guardians...

Well, now I'm on a solemn note. Parenting.

I was thinking about breastfeeding in public...

I don't know why it came to Aldo's attention - maybe he was just curious and the article came up, but he had an epiphany that "breastmilk is liquid gold" after reading it. The article talked about all the things it does for baby as well as how it prevents cancer. I knew that. Why didn't he? Anyway, there was one benefit after another and at the end it was like - how could anyone give a mother a hard time for wanting to breastfeed her baby - public or not?

After reading it I was reminded of a picture I saw of a woman who was breastfeeding her baby in a bathroom stall. I've never had to do that, but I have had to breastfeed at another person's house and in an office with closed doors and in a break room with closed doors. Not every place you end up is the most comfortable psychologically or  physically. And I remember a friend of mine saying she would never breastfeed in a restroom. Now I've never done it, but I have changed Luke's diaper once on a bathroom floor and I hated that because it was hard and cold and those pads are so thin that come with the diaper bag. And it isn't the cleanest surface either. But you do what you gotta do. And so my opinion on breastfeeding and where you have to do it is the same. If a bathroom was all I had, that's where I would go. I mean if I didn't have a cover. If I had a cover I would breastfeed in public. If I didn't, you do what you gotta do... If all there is is a restroom, and there's no time... Sorry baby, I'm going to feed you and not make you wait.

But in regards to the public thing - how dare people shame women into feeling like they can't feed their babies in public with the best food option they can. Geez.

The opportunity came up again tonight. I went to a party of one of mom's high school friends. There were a lot of people I didn't know, or have seen briefly, celebrating out in a barn on a small farm. It was warm in the barn with space heaters and kind of chilly outside where the cars were parked. And as her feeding time was drawing near I thought, if I had a cover, I would breastfeed her right here. Probably in a corner so not to stick out. (It would be awkward if an older man came up to introduce himself and was completely oblivious to it and then halfway through conversation realized what was going on right in front of him. But is that "shameing" talking? Have I been shamed into feeling awkward for breastfeeding?) Instead I went to mom's car and sat in the back seat, behind tinted windows, in the dark and fed her. She didn't care. She fell asleep like a baby. :)

The more I do it, and the more we connect, or she looks up at me and smiles afterward, or the next time she searches for me when another is holding her - the more I see the importance of breastfeeding and the bond it gives you and your child. The more beautiful this thing has become. I'm telling you, there's nothing like it.

Babies, Babies, Everywhere!

3 Months, 3 Days

Since the last time I wrote we've had our first ever professional (?) family portraits taken, babies dedicated, and another baby born. Busy. Busy.
I was given the portrait pack back when we were doing the baskets for camp. Another person won but gave me the session for newborn pics of Mila. I was saving them because I thought we would get photos from the hospital (but the photographer never came to our room...) and that Maecy could use them for Mateo because I didn't think she could afford newborn pics (I don't know about affordability but she got some pretty cute photos of Mateo). So I changed it to a family session. And the lady kindly allowed Maecy to include her family, as well as newborn pictures, and add in a big one of both families, and mom.. And then mom invited granddad. One thing leads to another. Unfortunately I didn't think of Daylight Savings and so it got darker earlier and we didn't get outdoor leafy photos. Bummer.

On Novemeber 8, 2015, Mila was dedicated at Centerpointe Community Church. Then Mateo was dedicated. The family that came were: my dad, Aldo's mom, Veronica and the boys, J and some of the kids, Jerad and the kids, Granddad and my mom. And obviously me, Aldo, Luke, Mila and Maecy and Mateo. Afterward we all went out to Applebee's and then we relaxed at home because Aldo took off the Sunday. The biggest moment of the day was when Luke prayed over Mateo. So not planned but those are the best - Aldo and I were named Mateo's prayer partners and I guess Luke assumed he was one too. He grabbed the mic, and was completely natural when he said this prayer -
"Lord I thank you for this day. And I pray at Mateo grows up like my baby grows up, I pray at he gives honor to you, and at he doesn't cry all the time. Amen." Pastor Joe said it was the best one he ever heard. Wow! Blew me away. Man we got blessed with an awesome kid!

And then on November 10th, Stacia's baby boy Jax was born. We went up to visit the next day. Boy was huge!!! And both Mila and Mateo had dark brown hair when they were born, this one has goldish, reddish - so he looks bald and red. But I'm so happy for Stacia anyway. This is her boy! I'll probably visit her sometime in the next week or so, I just don't know when.

Photo Session Selfie

  

Mila Rose Alvidrez - Baby Dedication

Baby Jax

Picture Post

Looking through the camera roll, I realized I haven't added too many photos to this book yet (and I have so many good ones!!). My kids are gorgeous; they should have their pictures taken everywhere and all the time! Here we go…

Back when I was still pregnant and we went to the rodeo to get me walking, and my feet were killing me! And they (Luke & Grammy) left me at the bleachers all by myself for the longest time…

Mila - Newborn to Now

Maecy & Mateo when we went to visit

(He looks just like her. Cute nose. Cute lips. Cute chin. Too much CUTE!!!)

Looking above… can you tell they're cousins?? I can't.

 Watching the World Series 2015

The bottom two are where we were during the parade. For memory's sake.

 And you can also see that "Snapchat" is popular right now.

 <3 ** My Favorite ** <3

Back to Civilization

I enjoyed watching the games, and wearing my comfortable blue hoodie (because you know I'm s jeans and hoodie type of girl), but I'm glad the World Series is over. Royals won. We're the 2015 champs. Yesterday more than 800,000 people wenljohght to downtown by Union Station to cheer on the team and hear their thank-you speeches. School was cancelled. Some places of business closed down too.  Not Nebraska Furniture Mart though. And I didn't quit being a mom of a five-year-old and newborn, and I didn't suddenly get bold enough to drive in Missoiri among the crowd by myself. So.... We stayed home. Aldo worked. We watched a few hours of it and did other stuff. I think Grammy would be proud that I participated and didn't go all out bonkers. I guess had sheuxgel been here she would have sat in her rocker and I would be on the floor with the kids watching the parade at her house. So all in all, I stayed true to myself.

Somehow I managed to get the bathroom clean and our room picked up some, the laundry done, floors swept and mopped, and living room clean. I don't know if I mentioned this but we've been on a cleaning schedule. So many schedules! There's Luke's school schedule, his meal options for lunch, our white board with Aldo's work schedule and all doctor appointments and church events and holidays and birthdays, my food planning schedule, and now this! (My English teacher would die if  he saw that run on sentence. I've also noticed I'm very bracket-happy tonight...) With every major change in our lives we've had to find balance with the home stuff. Less movies, who cleans what, rest on Tuesday, nope... Rest in Wednesday, wake up at this time, go to bed at this time, let the house go.
It seems crazy to have all of these schedules and things, but that's what I have to do to organize all the information and not miss a thing.

Let's get back to the kids though.
Mila's milestones:
- She has found her hands! Of course she sucks on them. It's adorable. Her left is her favorite, and I wonder if she's going to be a leftie at times. But now she reaches out her hands to grab my face. My mouth mostly. She likes when I say "mama" or "Mila". The other day she even reached for her giraffe toy with the stretchy neck.
- We moved up to size 2 in diaper. (She wore Newborns for like a week. And we never bought any more because size 1 fit just fine.) Her thick little legs have been getting red marks because the diapers were tight, so I finished off the 1's and moved her up a size. Now I have to really make sure the top is tight; I'm afraid poopie might go right up and out. And there's a lot of hang... She is certainly not a boy.
- And the sad part.... We put up the crib. It's easy enough to put her down in it while we're awake, whether before bed or for a midday nap. But when I have to get up to feed her in the middle of the night, once I bring her back to our bed to feed her... It's like once I'm down, I'm down. So half the night she still sleeps with us. And what's weird is, I'll start on my side almost off the bed... And I don't know how it happens but when I wake up, I'm in the middle pushing Aldo up against the cold wall and Mila's tucked in on the other side. Hmmm...

Happy Halloween!

This year I didn't concentrate too much on Halloween. I'm more focused on saving for Christmas. Anyway, it was the greatest news when Luke found my old spider costume with the sequins on the belly and eyes and told me that's what he wanted to be for Halloween; less money I'll have to spend on a costume. I still had to re-attach the arms though, which kept coming undone at school and everywhere else we went. Luke was excited for his school party and parade, and I wanted to be there. So Aldo, Mila and myself went to his school and watched as each class marched around the playground black top, and then afterward Aldo and Mila got off easy sitting in the classroom rocking chair while I helped out with the ring toss around the witch hats. Luke is THE cutest kindergartener (but I could be biased...). Later we went to help Vero move into her new house, but nothing was packed so we just looked at it while the kids went to a trunk-or-treat. Here's some pictures that were captured from the day:

BES Halloween Parade

Luke w/ His Kindergarten Teacher, Mrs. Eder

Spider, Sonic & Samurai

The next day was actual Halloween. Aldo had to work, mom was out of town, it was just me and the kids. (Yep. "Kids". Plural. Still a bit weird. Although at this point I know I'd wake up thinking something was wrong if there wasn't a baby in the house.) I planned on watching Ember and Luke at the Fall Festival at church so Kari could do the face paints and Mila would stay with Danny at the house. It. Was. Cold. Thank goodness I didn't have Mila out and about. I originally wanted to dress her up as a ladybug, but time got away from me. I didn't have any plans until I changed her into this zebra-patterned onesie that I had taken out of a random donation bag. I put her in it because first off it was cute. And second, the pink pants that would keep her warm matched. Then about 20 minutes before we had to leave the house I thought, you know what, I wonder if I could make her into a zebra. A simple head piece with ears attached shouldn't be too hard. I looked up some zebra costume inspiration, got out the foam and yarn, and WAH-LA! The most diva zebra I ever did see. Took me 15 minutes and boy was she adorable. After the Fall Festival we went back to Danny and Kari's. They took the kids around their neighborhood while Mila and I watched the Royals play in the World Series. When it ended, I was exhausted and Aldo had finally shown up, and so we left for home and enjoyed the extra hour from daylight savings.

My Little Zebra

Mila's First Halloween

As for Mommy and Daddy's outfits, nothing beats our "Gangnam Style" routine. This year I was planning on being a scarecrow (and I'm telling this out of order too), but the teen costume party was cancelled and we ended up "celebrating" (I put quotations there because we didn't even get candy...) at the Gutz house and watching the Royals. I was one of three who really dressed up. (Sorry babe, your "I'm a mouse" outfit didn't take enough dressing up to be counted as dressing up.) I went as a chola. If you don't know what it is look it up, because I had a hard time committing to the role as well. But hey, we celebrated. Kudos for that.