I said I would do a two-parter and never got to it...
June 2016 has been a full month. It's been a crazy roller coaster. Sometimes life's like that.
The Monday after returning from our family trip I got a call from Dad; he was on the way to the hospital because Grandma wasn't breathing. I'd been expecting and prepping myself for this for a while (Grandma had multiple cancers for 12 years), but nothing can really prepare you. And no matter how much I thought I was ready, I wasn't ready for it at THIS time. Over the week it was a mixture of emotions. Luke's birthday sleepover was cancelled, but we made it work anyway. Camp was coming up. Offered to help Dad shop for funeral clothes. A constant back and forth.
In Aldo's words... "Grandma would've liked the funeral service." Whenever I go to funerals it brings up thoughts of what I would like mine to be like. If it's hot, make that thing as quick as possible. Tell some funny stories. I'm sure somebody has one. (Aldo and Maecy diving in the frozen pond after the ducks never gets old. Or the time when Aldo almost got the "stuck egg" unstuck. I know they're not really stories of me per se, but who cares... They make ME laugh.) I enjoy games. Cards specifically. The kind of cards that make you think, but I know that there's some personalities out there that can't sit still through the rules alone. Especially if Aldo's the one explaining them. So, play some cards and that would do.
For Luke's birthday we set up a fort, hanging from the wall. He'd been wanting another "fort night" for a while and it just happened to have worked out. We (I) decorated the living room with draping streamers that had cut outs of leaves attached. Green balloons hung around with dollar bills coming off of them. It was a weird green jungle in our living room. We rented
Zootopia and had zebra cakes, popcorn, root beer, animal crackers, etc. to go along with the jungle theme. And a fantastic breakfast made out of donuts, whipped cream and strawberries. I love cohesiveness by the way. The movie had animal cops in it - donuts went right along. Sorry for the misrepresentation if you are a cop reading this. Everyone likes donuts I think. For Luke's present we got him a dinosaur robot. Mila gave him a dinosaur (which I should know the name but it's been a while since Luke has quizzed me or since I've read up on them in the dinosaur portion of Luke's encyclopedia...), and it matches the indominous rex... Because it too makes sounds when you move its arms and I think it lights up too. It's the dinosaur with the flaps on the sides of its head that fan out when it gets excited. Luke didn't have that dinosaur yet. ;)
He was completely surprised over and over. He said "it just keeps getting better". Oh my heart.
Now skip forward to camp. We went down on Saturday to prep the sanctuary and rooms, and unload everything. My biggest job was going on a Walmart run. I'm glad I did otherwise I would have been stuck watching, feeling useless and unhelpful. That night we went out to eat... It felt disconnected, or at least I did because I was stuck on the end away from everyone. That's what happens when you have babies. They require all your attention and energy, so it's really hard to carry on a conversation, let alone a conversation that doesn't include kids, and eat too. Food is always cold.
Sunday we went out for breakfast, and then the day was busy, busy, busy again. It felt like 2 o'clock (when the staff showed up) and then 5 o'clock came all too soon. I don't know how but for the rest of camp, I was always busy with something during the meals, so I wouldn't be able to eat until hours later. Or food would go half eaten and then hours later I would pick up wherever I left off. Registration (and this is supposed to be "my baby") went as smooth as ever. Meaning it didn't. Registration is never smooth. There's always something. This year it felt like it was confusing and hectic. Maybe that was just me because I was juggling a baby at the same time. And I have no idea if people paid. My inner organizer thinks there has to be a better process.
The first session was perfect. Mila wasn't a disturbance, she sang with the music and watched from the back. The merch table had a handle on things. It was all good. Then during prayer Aldo took Mila and I was able to pray over two girls. The first one was a confirmation over a girl. And the second was just kind of like a blessing-ish thing over another girl. I remember praying for dreams and visions over her. Both I prayed in tongues. The new thing this year was the After Party, but it was too late for me and for Mila, so we party pooped out and went to bed early. I heard they had fun doing the cha-cha, macarina, maybe the cupid shuffle, and hitting the quan. (Ask me about all about thee dance moves...... I know nothing. I used to be
in once upon a time. There are times I miss dance; these are the only times.)
That night I had a dream. It was about how I got this weird call for help on my phone and I searched up and down the streets for this person. I ran into her at the post office and said, "I've been looking everywhere for you." She confessed to me that it was her calling for help but not for her; she called for her brother who was abused because he liked to dress up like a girl. Then I sensed (I can't remember if I ever saw them) that the parents were "Christians". So on the outside it looked like a perfect family, but on the inside there was a lot going on. I woke up shaken. My heart broke for the girl and her brother. And I remember asking God - what do you want me to do with this? And He brought me to the story of the woman brought before Jesus by the Pharisees who was caught in adultery. He said, "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone". And later, "where are your accusers? Then neither I will accuse you. Go and sin no more." It was awesome to have that shown to me so deeply. I realized that there are two types of sins: the kind that you can blatantly see and the kind that are hidden. The boy in the dream was confused. I don't know if he sinned or not, but the parents were embarrassed because what he was doing was out in the open. It was crazy! And I remember feeling so hard for the boy. He was tall and his face was expressionless. Like he couldn't feel any more. The sister tried to remain strong for him. Anyway, a bit later I was thinking, and a name popped in my head. Of one of the students. I was worried about her. Is she the one that is dealing with abuse at home and hasn't come forward? So I went to Miss C that morning during breakfast.
Later were the workshops. I was unsure if I was supposed to be in the older girls' workshop or not. They left my name off the schedule, but it seemed as though they wanted me up there for prayer and as another woman minister, and what if... especially after a dream like that. However, Mila got us kicked out. I stepped out during worship because she was a little loud and went back in for the speaking. I was just telling Kari that if she got too rowdy, tell me, when Miss C came over. I was devastated. I didn't know where to go. I thought I should take a nap on it maybe.... So I went back to the room. Mila slept a tiny bit. I lay there trying to get over what happened. I came to the conclusion that I might be heartbroken, but I was positive that Miss C was also heartbroken. The whole situation just stinks. It took a while to get over; I almost broke out in tears when Anna came over during dodgeball signup and then in front of a male counselor who I didn't know.
Much of the rest of camp is a blur. I was able to go to all of the worship parts of each session, but not the sessions themselves. I missed out on Angela Gazaway's preaching where she simply had kids and adults look into a mirror and tell their pain to go away. I missed out on the other church's drama. I missed out on Pastor Steve's teaching - I can't even tell you what it was. I missed out on Miss C and Pastor T talking about baptism. During those times I either took Mila back to the room to play or sleep, prayed for what felt like forever in the waiting area below the sanctuary, or went to the dining hall. One of the times in the dining hall, all of the kitchen ladies were just enraptured by Mila. It was after one of the hard times. After not being able to go to any of the services, I was frustrated with Mila particularly and seriously questioning whether or not I belonged at camp at all. (Let me backtrack real quick. I can't remember when, but there was an end of a service that I was able to catch where they called the ministers up. I told Kari to go up while I watched the merchandise table. I couldn't even sit there so I had to ask Shane to take over for me. Later I saw Shane, so I have no idea who took over the table. And there were times when I left Mila's snacks in one place and bottle in another and diapers and wipes in another. It felt like Mila and I had taken over camp with our stuff and anywhere you went you couldn't escape. The dining hall had her car seat in one place, her jumper in another, and her stroller in another. I kept asking myself why were they even in there when she wouldn't sit in them for more than 10 minutes. The stroller was only a storage spot for random junk the entire camp. Why take up the space?) And that same question came to my mind as well. Am I just taking up space? Why am I here? But I had to fog that question out with the fact that I had mentioned that earlier on during the planning process and they said they wanted me there. That alone kept me strong. So as I was keeping it together in the dining hall, Sheri Smith, Sheri Baptist, and Patty Bradshaw encouraged me with simple things. They took Mila and told her how wonderful she was. They gave me spoonfuls of peanut butter to feed her, a piece of red licorice, and for myself a bowl of fruit cocktail. I'm one to wear my feelings on my face. It's hard to hide how I feel. So I'm sure they could tell I was frustrated and worn out. They told me I was a good mother. (I could cry now typing this.) Then they went back to work. I sat with Mila and watched her enjoy all this food. Then she tried to share her peanut butter covered licorice with me. It was cute. Her jamming it down my throat, sharing her sweets. Then she accidentally dropped it in my fruit cocktail. So as she was grabbing it out, she realized
ooh, what's my hand dipped into now? And started swirling her hand around in my fruit cocktail. It's funny how babies question whether or not something is edible. Or how they explore new things. She started eating the fruit cocktail with her hands, and when she was done with that proceeded to feed it to me. She thought me sucking it from her hands was hilarious. It kept her entertained because I ate two bowlfuls.
I had to give up blowing the horn for Camp Wars. But that's ok - I had my own walkie that I kept for all of camp and I was able to use the buzzer on it to let everyone know when each round ended and began. The kids loved coming over for break and oggling over Mila. They loved sharing their Camp Wars gear with her - letting her wear their color beads, head bands, tiaras, etc. And she would give out "kisses" freely. I claimed that I was getting "sloppy 35ths", although it was much more than that.
Sorry I'm going out of order. The day after the first dream, after the workshops, Miss C called me to come with her. I thought I was going to get reprimanded or an apology, but I didn't. She called me over because the girl I had a dream about had locked herself in the bathroom after throwing an enormous fit/rage and was in there crying and scaring the rest of the room. After sending the core leaders and group to swim for a free time, we talked with her a bit and found out that she had been texted someone and they told her to "go die". That's why she was upset. She also has "a glow" that comes over her when she gets mad. And has nightmares. And changes her name every so often because she doesn't like her original name. And she remembers one of her past lives. There was a lot of off the wall stuff. But I was able to talk to her and tell her I had a dream about her. And I asked her if she was abused and she said no. Afterward, Miss C walked with me and told me that she shows all the signs of abuse, but whatever we just did was beneficial because now she is open to talk to us. Even if not at camp, there's an open communication there where she can come to us in the future. The night following I had another dream, except a nightmare. It was about all of the things she said she had nightmares about. And it stirred me up because I asked God, why He would give me a dream like that? But He answered with - "Every good and perfect thing is from above" (James 1:17). I realized that God hadn't given me that nightmare. But it coincided so perfectly so it messed with me. I had to get my mind off of these thoughts, so I switched it up to "Whatever is pure... whatever is lovely... think on these things" (Philippians 4:8). And then I woke up Aldo to partner with me in it and also ask what he thought. We ended up praying over camp and whatever schemes the devil had for it, and then sharing it with Pastor T and Miss C. They told me later that it's difficult to be an intercessor, even when the Lord calls you out for one specific person, because it drains you. So now I knew my purpose for camp, if anything at all. And that's what I clung onto for the rest of camp.
I wanted to be at baptism so bad. But I had learned that God was opening doors and closing doors,
literally, all of camp. I make plans, but he leads my steps. (Check out Proverbs 16:9) God is in control. And it's hard when I like being in control. So for baptism I had asked several people if they would watch Mila. They either backed out or it wouldn't work. It was easy for me to see that I was only going to be down at baptism if God was going to make the way. I watched from the balcony for a bit while Mila slept in my arms, and then from the dining hall window when she woke up. I put her in the jumper and turned around and fed her snacks, a constant back and forth, back and forth. She eventually got tired of that so I just held her. And I said in my mind - Lord, if you want me down there, you're going to have to send the person. I'm not going around asking. As people were dwindling by the pool, kids were no longer being baptized but leaders now, I remained calm. I knew that there was still time for God to send the person. And He did. Dez came in and asked if she could hold Mila. I jumped at the chance and went down to the pool. But then when I got there, I felt like I was pacing the pool, waiting for God to let me in. Waiting for the "go ahead" from a leader, or Aldo, or someone. I kept looking at Aldo because he always says that I beat him to it (to baptism). So this time I was going to let him beat me, even if I had already decided that I would like to be baptized. He wasn't budging. And I realized that he wasn't going to without a push. So I was directed by the Holy Spirit to go pray for him. I b-lined it and just started praying for him. I thought it was a good prayer at the time. I don't know if others heard, and Aldo revealed to me later that his spirit man was in a funk at the time, so I can just go by what I thought - that it was powerful. And Aldo decided he needed baptized. But it wasn't what I thought. So we all surrounded him, and I prayed for him. Others were like -
dang! But I don't know what was going on... my eyes were closed. And then Aldo told us that he was letting go of pain after our friend Danny had died.
Then I was ready to be baptized. But it seemed everyone else wanted to go. So I waited. I didn't mind being last. (Matthew 19:30) Finally, I said I was ready. I was letting go of control. This entire camp was for me open and closed doors... me making my plans, but God directing my steps... God's provision... and my prayer was honestly "not my will, but Your will" and making that truth. And I wasn't tired of trying to keep it together. After that first dream, God showed me how he felt about the LGBT community. "I have been searching for you everywhere." And the story of John 8. So we all sin. We all fall short. Don't think you are better because you sin in secret. And so I was letting go of misconceptions. And another thing I had put off for a while was my questioning the Christian song about "Wine". There are people that think wine is distasteful and shouldn't be associated with God. At all. I was letting go of these things. And I said that I wanted to be childish for God. I wanted to let go of all of these things. And I wanted to taste His wine. I'm not really into the flavor down here on earth, but I'm sure God's is good. (Luke 18:15-17)
Miss C came over to pray for me I guess. And she said that angels were around the pool and asked me to look for them. I couldn't really see anything. But I "imagined" or maybe I did see - I'm not really sure... I'm not going to double-guess myself or the Lord... - I saw two wings. They were white-ish. There was lightning coming up and down them. And there were rainbows coming out. I can't explain it. Then my ears started to go numb. And then my hands. And I wasn't sure what to do with them. And I don't know what was going on around me. Were people laughing at me? Did they think I was drunk with the Spirit? I talked with Aldo later and he said that when I started speaking in tongues Miss C had backed away from me. I ended up getting baptized finally. Dunked twice because they didn't dip me all the way. And after me, Miss C got baptized. Which I didn't know she had never gotten baptized before at Awaken Camp! Her legs locked up. It was so funny. And I guess she was drunk/tipsy for the next hour or so and still at the testimony service.
All in all Awaken Camp was amazing. As much as the struggle was, God revealed things to me in that and through that. I pray I grow as next camp approaches, and that He continues to reveal things and speak to me like never before. And that I listen. And obey.
