...Any Day Now...
6AM in the morning... There's no way I'm going back to bed. My mind and body are on high alert. I think maybe this has a lot to do with (...Well, pregnancy of course. "Everything is because of pregnancy when you're pregnant.") the fact that we've been watching a lot of cop shows: The Mentalist, Criminal Minds, and Elementary (which is Sherlock Holmes), and also that I may have been "nesting" for the past two or so months, but I've been so gigantic that I'm and have been basically helpless, so much so that I can't do anything I want(ed) to do. Well yesterday we did just that stuff. My list. The major things are done. The house is prepared for Mila. So now, hey, my mind has started a new list...
Let me rewind and start with the dream and thoughts that woke me.
It began with a dream where it was raining outside, so for some reason we decide to eat out (I don't know where Luke is) with mom and her "boyfriend"/"friend", Jeff, and ride in my car together. Aldo takes out Luke's seat and the car seat so we can fit in the back. We go out and come back. When we get back and I walk in our house, I start walking around and see boxes everywhere. Empty boxes. And random messes. When I get to the kitchen there's shredded chicken all over like someone missed the pan, but I also see it hanging from the kitchen lamp. I flip a lid! I go off. What in the world happened so that chicken was hanging from our ceiling??? I'm yelling at Aldo and maybe throw some boxes (not at him though) that I can lift. And then I look at the time.
Ok... Wait wait wait... I forgot a part. It took more than that to rile me up. Before we walk in the house, maybe on the way home, I find out my car is for sale for the church. I guess that Aldo and PT had been talking and PT somehow claimed the car for the church, and decided to sell it to buy something else. At first, I'm like - That's dandy. Less insurance. But then it hits me, Wait a minute, that's my car. And I need it for Mila. And for Luke. Is Aldo taking it away because he wants me home? I'm confused here. Wait a minute... Why does PT think he can sell my car? I get to the bottom of it and ask Aldo what's up. Apparently they had a conversation where he said that the car wasn't very good. (Interesting because in reality, when I first bought it, he had nothing against it. AND it's a 2007, way newer than his 1995 Chevy Blazer that has rattled since Day 1, and it's never had a replacement part yet except for when my tire went flat from the glass at the end of our street, whereas his won't even start sometimes and the engine light goes on randomly, the a/c barely works and the gas indicator is wrong.) I was thrown off because my car is totally reliable. Even so, in the conversation with PT the car either got sold or given to the church. What?! So... On the way in the house I'm trying to make sense of the car situation and say that there's no way we are selling it and we need to talk to PT about boundaries, and that's when I walk into the house full of box mess and chicken.
After that I remember ripping up paper and crying on the floor. I wipe my eyes and look at the time on the stove. 10:59AM. OH MY... ARE YOU SERIOUS? I was supposed to be at that dumb Nebraska Furniture Mart health screening at 10:30. This is so that we could have insurance. Missing it means I don't have insurance. Missing it means we won't be able to pay for delivery, medical bills, etc. All of this was taken care of. It was an easy thing to do. How in the world did we miss the screening? Aldo was going to take me. Aldo!!!! And going out to eat with my mother.... Where did that idea even come from? Why today? I freak out again. Aldo isn't even in his manager attire so I have to wait more. It was bad. It was just a bad, bad dream. I've never been so mad at Aldo. When I woke up I was like...... Where's the clock in our room? Where's my phone? I'm totally not missing this health thing. But on the other hand I wondered, is this something pent up inside me? Something God is revealing to me that I need to deal with? Poor Aldo. I feel so bad about going off on Aldo and blaming him for everything, even though it was partly his fault in the dream. The car situation anyway. Who knows what the boxes were for, and why there was food everywhere, and I could have easily watched the time myself and drove myself to NFM. (He'll probably laugh when he reads this, but I really felt bad waking up and still do sort of.)
In reflection, let me tell you where some of these might come from. We just did the list, right? Yesterday I moved all the diaper boxes to the closet. I recycled empty ones that were from baby gifts. There are only two left out (bassinet and swing/bouncer), and we need to save those, and I know exactly where I'm putting them. Yesterday I made chicken and hominy in the crock pot. Aldo did dishes and wiped the counter. No messes were really left there. But had you looked earlier in the week there was sugar all over the stove. And as for the car, mine is ok. Just needs a good wash. Aldo not long ago got something fixed, like a hose or something, but the engine light came on the other day and he wanted to get someone to get out the reader and find out why, maybe it needed an oil change. And last, I really do have an NFM health screening today at 10:30. It's also my mom's birthday. A lot of hidden things on my mind...
That's not all. I may have fallen back asleep because I had another dream. A man got in our house and it was me and Luke alone. Luke was sleeping in his room. The man came through the front door and had a gun. Being pregnant somehow I ran through the craft room to the garage, and went in two scenarios: I either went to the meadow in back because the pond was an obvious choice or I went to the neighbors (yes, in my underwear) and down their drive which is blocked by the tree line to Jerad's. After I realized, I left Luke in the house. I'm a terrible mother!!!!! So I go through it again and this time when he comes in I go low and swipe his legs from under him. Grab his gun, which if it goes off only goes off at the ceiling. Tape his hands together and him to a chair and call 911. When the police get there my prints are all over the gun, but we're all alive. Yay.
I wake up.
Now my mind is racing. Heart thumping. I start thinking of Luke. How could I forget him? He needs karate lessons. I need to tell him about keeping his privates to himself at school and on the bus. They don't wear seat belts on the bus. What if there's a wreck? What if it snows? On his first day will he make friends on the bus, behave, get in trouble? Should I just drive him to school the first day? He's got to keep track of his book bag and that other bag of Kleenex and junk. Will he find his classroom ok? If he poops at school, will he be able to wipe himself. Will he use too much toilet paper? Will I find streaks in his underwear? They don't have wet wipes in the restroom for kids I don't think. Hopefully he's a shy pooper like his dad and just waits to get home. I need to sign him up for sports. Soccer sounds good. School is $100-something a month for full day. Soccer shouldn't be too bad, but I might have to bring a snack and juice to practice or a game or something. We can still do that. Oh my gosh, and Aldo wants to buy/look for a house. Hopefully he gets that raise.
Lord, only you can take care of us. I feel bad thinking this, but after all that camp and all that stress, is now the time of blessings?
And when it came down to it - ok, it's time to get out of bed. I need some prayer time and some devotion, and some journaling to get this off my mind. And remember it too, for when I have a third child and wake up frantic about how we're going to make it. Sheesh. Emotions. Life. It's messy. And especially tough when you're an organized soul.
Baby soon. School soon. Next entry, I'm sure of it.
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