hCG

I guess this post will just be fact-driven. I'm still a little unsure about it and how much to disclose and to who. You know when something bad happens and you're thrust into a sort of twilight zone, and everything around you is moving but you are there  stuck in time thinking this isn't really happening...? It's been like that.
So Sunday, August 27th started off like any other day. The boys spent the night with us to hang out with Luke, so they came to church with us in the morning. After church we went to pick up some birthday presents for Mila from Aunt Dolores'. Then I was headed home, but Noah said his stomach didn't feel well. I changed my plans to get the kids some food, then go to the apartment, and then drop them off. But then Vero started texting me about a Big Brother program and was worried I was going to be late bringing the boys back, so I changed my plan again. After picking up the food, which took forever... Noah was really complaining about his stomach. I was concerned so I rushed him home. When we got there he was really ... milking it??... So much so that his mom and Aldo's mom thought he might have gave himself a hernia and/or ripped something while swinging at church. (Side note: the last time they came to our church we had the inflatable slide incident and Noah got hurt. Why do this kids always get hurt? And why does it have to be at church?!) I felt miserable. They talked about taking him to the emergency room. So I called Aldo as I was headed back to the apartment to get their stuff and return it. When I got back, everything was fine like nothing happened. It was weird. But in the end, I had less to worry about, right...

When I finally got home, I was exhausted. I just sat on the gray chair and looked at my phone.
I had been texting a friend about breastfeeding when I had the urge to use the restroom. That's when everything started. Ask-a-Nurse told me to go to the emergency room immediately, but not to drive (even though I'm 5 minutes away... and the only thing that kept me from going on my own was that I'd have two kids in the car with me.) The nurses were afraid I would pass out. Thirty minutes later Aldo was taking me to the hospital and the kids were with the Gutz.

Hospital Worsts:
- The wait. Not the wait to get a room. The wait for the results. First there was a pee test to see if I really was pregnant. Then a blood test for hCG levels. Then a sonogram, which was too early to tell anything but we still waited for it. The pee test was positive. The blood test wouldn't give us results for a day so we were told to go home. Final release statement: see your OB within 2 days.
- The silence. The entire time Aldo didn't talk to me. He kept busy by being on his phone. I know he was worried and I was too and trying to understand what factors there were, etc. but the silence sucked.
- The suddenness. It's so sudden that you don't think about how you didn't shave your legs that day. Or shower. Gross. And of course, they have to look in those personal places... it was horrible! It was worse than the scene from that JLo movie where she's getting inseminated and all she can think of is her unpainted toenails. I guarantee my toenails were worse.

I didn't think of it until I had to in hindsight, that the previous night I was having increasingly painful cramps. The kind that made me rock back and forth to feel better. I had been having cramps here and there. I thought it was my uterus changing and sac forming and hips spreading. It also occurred to me that I had stronger morning sickness before, but the days leading up to this point, it was getting less frequent, less intense.

Tuesday we saw my OB. She reassured us that it could be anything. A bleeding problem can be taken care of by taking a pill. So the days leading up to this were tiring and anxious and sad. This visit was hopeful and restorative.

The next day I got my results at work. Aside from the rudeness of whoever called me, my hCG levels had dropped from a 140-something to 78.

I had a miscarriage.

The scientific, technical term for it is "chemical pregnancy", but I was told not to use that term by my dad. Do I feel like I lost something/someone? To me, it felt like I lost the hope of someone and hope of a surprising, yet happy change. To me, it felt like others were trying to downplay it because "nothing formed" and to make me feel better about losing "nothing". Something formed. I felt it exit my body. It might have been the start of a sac or whatever, but my body said it was pregnant. It began the work. And shortly after, it stopped. That's the facts. Anything above a 25 on an hCG test means you're pregnant. And that hCG level doubles at least ever two days.

It all came down to that hCG level.

I had a dream that week and it's really the only thing that made me feel better in those first couple of days when we were still unsure about things. I had a dream that a voice told me it was a girl. And what brought me comfort was knowing that one way or another I would see my girl. Maybe it's just a nice thought or maybe it's absolutely true. Now that it's been weeks I go back and it's like the entire time didn't happen. Miscarriages aren't that frequent. I don't have one. I was never pregnant. I won't have a "rainbow baby".  

STAT  - There is only a 30% chance of you getting pregnant each menstrual cycle.
STAT - Most doctors consider pregnancy to start at "implantation" rather than "fertilization".
STAT - 31% of pregnancies end in miscarriage after implantation. (That's one in three if you can do simple math.) But a lot of these ladies don't even know it because they didn't know they missed a period. With that said, about 15-20% of women with a confirmed pregnancy will have a miscarriage.
STAT - By the time you have passed the day you were supposed to start your period, implantation has already occurred.
STAT - 80% of miscarriages occur before 12 weeks (the first trimester). After 20 weeks a loss is termed a "stillbirth".
STAT - Half of all miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities. The earlier the miscarriage, the more likely this is the cause.
(All of these stats were taken from https://www.verywell.com and http://www.pregnancyloss.info/. Of course these don't take into consideration age and previous miscarriages, etc.)

FACT - I can guarantee the first day of my last period. It was July 10th. I was supposed to start my period while we were on our California trip. That means implantation had occurred. (Shoot. Now I wish I didn't look up those bummer stats.)
FACT - Implantation occurs about 9 days after ovulation. I kept record of everything. My cycle is about 35 days long, so ovulation is between Day 19 and Day 21. *wink wink* Our anniversary happened in that ovulation window. Implantation probably occurred on August 7th. I'm actually fairly certain...
FACT - Going by the first day of my last period (which you can't argue), I would have been 5 weeks and 6 days along on August 27th. I miscarried just before 6 weeks.